The New World

Is it really true? Could I fiiiiiiinally be updating the blog after all this time? Yes, it's really happening, so quit pinching yourself and read up.

So what took me so long?
Well, for starters, I had to relocate my whole family. Give that a try sometime. Seriously, I'm stunned that we made it through all of the things that we had to go through to get to this point. You don't realize just how many little things you've got to do to simply START getting settled. I won't bore you with the minutia of that, at least not now though that might be a useful and informative post for some of my readers so I might just put that on the docket to do later. I had to take care of EVERYTHING because I was the US citizen bringing my immigrant husband over. Now that we're more set up,things are getting easier.

So what's been happening?
Jeremy got a job right away, lucky for us. And we got Raelynn into the VPK we wanted. Thanks to the insane cost of daycare though, I'm relegated to being a stay-at-home freelance writer, mommy, chauffeur, chef, seamstress, police officer, shopper, coupon clipper, maid and homemaker. That's an awful lot to put on my LinkedIn profile, so I usually stick to freelance writer. It's really different but much more enjoyable than I ever thought possible. One day, my kids will be grown and I can get back out into the rat race. Until then, I'll save us money by making whatever I can and not having it go directly to paying daycare fees.

Now, I'd like to answer the most common questions I get asked now that I am back:
1) How does Jeremy like America?
Sadly, while I'd hoped to make a sister blog to this blog (and much thanks to my friend Erin and her husband, Will, for their incredibly clever suggestion of "Return of the Broad (and her brood abroad)") I just don't have enough time to devote to writing something that I'm not getting paid to do. So I'll just be keeping this blog and hopefully updating it more often. Anyway, to answer, Jeremy loves it here. He loves how clean and peaceful it is. He loves the choices and freedoms and he's happy every day because he loves it here. He enjoys his job too.

2) How about Raelynn and Seoul? Do they like it?
Well, duh! My kids adore it here as much as Jeremy does. Quite honestly, it's awesome to watch the 3 of them experience things for the first time here. Like going to a fair at the park or celebrating Halloween. Seoul is a pretty happy baby so she seems to like everything (except when she meets her hero, a bird, in person and then flips out...). Raelynn is old enough to understand what's happened and thus seems to really enjoy the new things she encounters. When we first got to the US, I took Raelynn to the bathroom at a bank. As I'm helping her, she says, "Mommy, I love American bathrooms." I couldn't stop laughing, yet I agreed completely. You have no idea how refreshing toilets with real stalls and sinks with real soap are unless you've spent time living in China. NO IDEA.

3) What did you miss the most?
Aside from family and friends, I missed the freedoms most people here take for granted every day. I missed all the choices. The fresh, clean air. I even missed Florida itself, especially the nature and wildlife that just randomly passes by you each day. In Sanford, we always see cranes walking around the medians on the roads or in parking lots and it really takes my breath away. Of course, I also really missed the food here, which became too obvious after about a month of making up for lost time. Now I'm attending to that by hitting the gym 4 days a week.

4) Is there anything that's very different to you?
Oh yes. Like, everything. Everyone uses a smartphone for everything, and I'm no exception to that now. When I want or need to really write something though, I have to use my laptop because typing on such a small surface (plus autocorrect which likes to inject its' own zest here and there) drives me mad. Also, ATMs are so much more modern. And chip technology on your cards! I am always swiping when I should be inserting and vice versa. Prices. Things have gone up a bit since I was home last, except for gas. I couldn't believe how expensive IHOP was. I remember when a big breakfast with pancakes was $4.50. Now it's like $8. For IHOP! Jesus!

5) What's a typical day like for you now?
It's such a change from my old teaching job, which I do miss. But I'm much happier back in America and holding my many job titles mentioned above. We have only one car at this point so I'm in charge of driving everyone around. Jeremy's job is very close to our home, as is Raelynn's school, so it's not too annoying. We drop Jeremy off at work before 9am and then Seoul and I take Raelynn to school. If we have errands to run (post office, bank, supermarket or some place else) I usually get those done right after we drop her off. Seoul's a perfect companion most days. I've tried taking both girls in the afternoon and Raelynn gets upset about stuff I won't buy her at the supermarket, screaming and crying until I wish that a sinkhole would swallow me whole. I do a lot of coupon clipping as well as seek out rebates on my phone through various rebate apps, so some days, like today, I'll go to 2 different stores to get the groceries I need. If I'm not out stocking our pantry or handling our affairs, then I work on chores around the house and the best part, play with Seoul. We go get Raelynn around noon and then I fix us lunch. I put Seoul down for a nap after lunch, and when I'm done with that, I sit down with Raelynn to help her with her homework. Once she's busy with that, if I have any freelance projects, I get busy on those while Seoul sleeps and my writing juices are running. Once Seoul wakes up, I'll read to her and Raelynn. We'll also eat fruit or some kind of snack. Then when they're busy playing, I start getting dinner organized. Some nights, I make sure it is completely ready before we pick up Jeremy so that I can dash off to the gym once I get everyone home. Other nights, we eat together as a family. I bathe the kids and Jeremy cleans up the kitchen and the dishes. We have story time and most nights, Jeremy will call his parents on the video messenger on qq (a Chinese app, much like Skype meets Facebook). After that, I get Seoul to bed and Jeremy makes sure Raelynn gets ready for bed. Once Seoul's asleep, Raelynn will be waiting for me to come kiss her goodnight. Then Jeremy and I enjoy some time alone together without the kids interrupting our conversations. We talk about our days and watch TV. Sometimes we enjoy some wine and cheese, a perfect ending.

6) Does Jeremy miss his parents?
Of course he does! He worries a lot too because unfortunately, soon after we arrived in America, his father's health problems were becoming more of an issue. He was at high risk for a stroke and I told him he needed to change his diet and take blood thinners but he didn't listen. He wound up in the hospital again for about 2 weeks. He's doing much better now, but every time Jeremy calls them and they don't answer, he thinks the worst.

7) Do YOU miss his parents?
And this of course would be the most popular question. The one thing everyone wants to know. So? No, I don't miss them but since we've come  here, I like them more. Much as I suspected. MIL's voice annoys me much less coming through the qq app. I made peace with MIL right before we moved too. Maybe it was all the baijiu I'd drank at a dinner his relatives took us all to the weekend we moved. Or maybe I finally realized she wasn't going to impede us from leaving. But it felt good to leave with a clean slate. You might think we wish we had her to watch the kids so I could take an office job too, but no. If they were here, I'd be even busier than I am now. Which is insane to imagine, tbh.

I am going to try to be more on top of this blog so I can tell you all about our first Halloween in the US, what it's like to make an international move with 2 small children (spoiler alert: it sucks but the end result is worth it), and much much more.

For Why?!?!?

It's the start of a 3-day weekend! Last night, I had a migraine and was determined that today would be awesome. But Seoul has a cough and runny nose so we've been chillin' at home. I decided it would be an ideal time to begin going through my crap and whittling it down. I know the next 2 months will fly by and I don't want to be panicking before we leave for the US.

So I started with a giant storage bag (the kind you vacuum-seal shut) that was under the crib. I noticed my fatheaded troll of a MIL had been in it because she took out the ugly polka dot pants she'd given Raelynn. She must have taken them home in defeat because they're not in Raelynn's closet again. Good. I'm not wasting precious suitcase space on ugly garments from her. I will be absolutely thrilled when that woman is not rummaging through my items!

Anyway, I pour out all the items onto the floor, much to Seoul's great delight, who has helped herself to some of my bikini tops while I begin trying on shorts and t-shirts. Oh what did I expect? That I would fit into my size 3 pants now? Ha. They mock me as I try to pull them up but I'm rather surprised that I can get them pulled up even partially over my butt. That's progress at least. But since it will be quite some time before I'm a 3 again, I put them in the pile for sale. Most of my cute Hollister t-shirts were a no-go either. I'm so booberific now that they appear like they have shrunken onto me. No, no. I'll go buy new ones at Hollister when I get back. They're in great condition so I'll sell these too.

And then I find some stuff that's just had it. It's old and ripped and I've no idea why we've wodged it into a storage bag. Time for it to be thrown out. I make a pile of things to be thrown away. I'm pleased though that there are a few things at least that I can wear again since having kids. Not many things, mind you, but I'll take it. And hey, at least now I have good reason to go shopping.

I sort the bag out and then fill it back up with carefully folded items to be sold. I feel productive. Jeremy comes in and I proudly show him my work. I point to the pile to be thrown away and he gets all concerned. "Oh no, we can't throw it away. We'll give it to my parents," he tells me. "Um, what? WHY?!?" I ask. He explains that in China, there is none of this culture of giving away or selling your things, or throwing clothes away. Even ripped clothes. "But these shirts are old and ripped! What in the world are they going to do with them?!?" One of the shirts in question is a black t-shirt that has faded to that grayish black and has lots of holes in it from being washed excessively. It's an old shirt I creeped from an old college boyfriend and it says "SECURITY" on it. For many years, it had just wound up in my closet as that t-shirt you wear to sleep. Somehow, it wound up in this bag. And now, he's going to give it to his parents. Because. I have no earthly idea why. What will they do with an old ripped shirt?!? I used to have one that said "FUCKER" on it (from a different college boyfriend) and if I find that one, they can have it because I HAVE TO see one of them wearing it. That would totally make my day.

But it just seems odd to give them old clothes they will likely never ever wear. Perhaps they could make rags with these old things, but they won't. They will use the same dirty rag over and over without ever washing it once we go. Jeremy and I wash our rags every week. I bet they will never get washed again once we move. Would my FIL actually WEAR any of these old shirts? He wears this one shirt of Jeremy's. OMG. I need to tell you about that.

HOW did I NOT tell you guys?!? About 3 years ago, MIL bought a decent shirt for Jeremy. It's a Tommy Hilfiger. It may or may not be a fake but if it is a fake, it is a darned good one. I was stunned that she'd picked out something that wasn't fug. Anyway, here is the shirt in question...

 This was on our 2nd anniversary, incidentally.

We had left Raelynn with the trolls so we could go out to a nice Thai restaurant.

Anyway, I hadn't seen this shirt in Jeremy's side of the wardrobe in ages. I had been wondering about it. I think he'd been wondering about it too. Guess what happened to it? His dad took it. No, really. He took it. I checked and checked the closet. So did Jeremy. This was not a case of his mom buying her husband the same thing. No, he randomly took it at some point. Why? We have no idea. When I ask Jeremy about this, he just laughs and laughs. Maybe because he can't explain it either. Now every time FIL wears the shirt over here, we laugh hysterically. It's just bizarre.

So maybe they will wear our old, ripped, outdated clothes. Or they'll just shove them in the cupboards and we'll find them when we come back to China to sell the properties or, his parents, whichever comes first.

People Suck

Sometimes, people just suck. I've been meaning to write about some of the suckier ones I've unfortunately encountered but other stuff's been popping up. After today though, I'm ready to snap, so I need to vent. And believe it or not, MIL and FIL are not on this particular list. They suck, for sure, but this is strictly about encounters with strangers who totally blow. So, join me for a tour of suckage, won't you?

The Gaggle of Suckotrons at the Metro
Around the end of October, we had gone grocery shopping at the Metro. This was while Raelynn was adjusting to being back at school and Jeremy and I were working tirelessly to correct the negative behaviors his mutant parents had encouraged while I was out on maternity leave. We were on line waiting to pay when Jeremy plucked Raelynn from the cart. She wanted to stay in the cart but she was crushing our bread and some other items, and she wasn't happy about being suddenly removed and made to stand. And into a tantrum she went. Jeremy handled it expertly, giving her a stern warning to correct her behavior (she was hitting him and shouting) or else he'd put back the bag of pretzels she'd wanted. The bad behavior continued so I fully supported my husband when he took the pretzels out of our cart and put them back. Raelynn wailed and wailed and still continued this epic tantrum of embarrassing proportions. So, with Seoul strapped to me in the carrier, I snatched Raelynn under one of my arms and dragged her out of the store.

There's a glass-enclosed exit area where, in the colder months, various vendors have other items to sell, like overpriced Belgian chocolates or plants. I carried her there and set her down to wait for Jeremy. The people at the chocolate booth started to come over and try to offer samples. I did not want people giving my kid candy during her tantrum, like people here are known to do. As I'm yelling at Raelynn to stop this insanity now and mentally lamenting that I didn't get the car keys from Jeremy, I look up and see some college-aged girl from some volunteer group booth taking my picture with a Nikon. No fucking joke. And that's when I absolutely lost it. I began screaming at her in a mixture of English and Chinese and as she snapped away, I flipped her off. Then and only then did she turn away in embarrassment. I struggled with Raelynn some more and now about 20 people had congregated to stare. Bunch of suck-ass fucks. The security guard then approached me and I thought he was going to offer Raelynn some candy as she writhed on the floor like a total jerk while I desperately tried to pick her up without dropping Seoul from the carrier. But he was the only one of all those people - now more had gathered - to even bother to help me out. He picked her up off the floor. And he said nothing judgmental at all. Thank you, Kind Metro Security Guard.

Shortly after this, which incidentally, felt like 1,000 years but was more like 10 minutes, Jeremy emerged with our cart of groceries and he, who usually implores me to be patient with the people of China, totally told all of them off. My hero husband. I love you. Thank you for chasing the suckos away.

The Sucky Nosy Lady on Our Street
Maybe a week after the Metro incident, this next mess occurred. Raelynn was also prone to throwing tantrums when I woke her up on the school bus once we arrived at our stop. I tried everything I could think of - punishing her, keeping her awake, offering a reward for waking up without pitching a fit - but every time, it was agony. I felt like the bus driver hated us. I wouldn't have blamed him.

So I drag her kicking and screaming off the bus and ignore the usual stares. Then she tries to dart away into the street. So I grab her, carry her to a safe patch of sidewalk and give her a spanking for doing such a dangerous thing. She cries and says she hates me. I then tell her she's in big trouble and I'm taking a toy from her. Now she changes her tune. She's sorry and crying and just a total mess while I tell her I'm not speaking to her for now. As we're talking and walking, and she's crying away, some nosy lady skitters up to us, like that small yippy dog that always followed Spike the Dog in the old Looney Tunes cartoons. And like all idiot people here, she tries to interfere. In Chinese, she asks Raelynn why she's crying. We ignore her, as we're talking to each other, and keep walking. She persists and keeps bothering us. So finally, I stop and turn to her and in Chinese I tell her to mind her own business, and that my child is crying because she was being bad and now she's in trouble. The woman stares at me. Again, I repeat myself. And she still just stares as if I'm speaking some alien language to her. Finally, I shriek at her to fuck off and get out of my sight and she hightails it out of there. You, Sucky Nosy Lady on Our Street, suck tremendously.

The Sucky I-Can't-Believe-It's-A-Girl Lady in the Restaurant
On Sunday after church, we went to our favorite hole-in-the-wall restaurant. We requested a private room and as we were led there, a woman around MIL's age (perhaps slightly younger) who was seated at a table we passed became overjoyed at the sight of Raelynn and the baby. So she popped into our room and asked if she could take a look at the children. Sure, we say. She makes a huge deal about how gorgeous Raelynn is. And then she turns to the baby and she says it must be a boy. Is it a boy or a girl? It's a boy, right? Um, no. She is also a girl, I say, giving her the eye. And then the woman complains to my husband that I frowned at her about this. He tells her that she's rude for judging us for having 2 daughters, that we are very happy to have 2 daughters and that we didn't want a boy. She leaves and loudly complains about us to her table in the main part of the restaurant. Asshole. You suck for thinking a boy child is better than a girl child.

The Sucky Mom Who Basically Called Me Fat
As you know, I had my 2nd child in mid-July. I work. And when I come home from work, I have maybe an hour or 2 before my baby gets tired and cranky and wants to sleep. That time before sleep is filled with nursing her, bathing her, singing her songs, playing with her, talking to her and other Seoul-and-Me things. How I would love time to get in a real workout but this time will pass all too quickly and I don't want to miss a moment of it. So I'm not yet a stick again, like I'd hoped. I lost about 22 lbs. from breastfeeding and have remained at the same weight no matter how much or how little I have eaten since. Every chance I get, I am moving around during my classes and trying to take advantage of the general activeness of kindergarten children.

This week, we have optional PTA meetings. Of course, for my class, the only parents who want to meet with me are the parents of my very best student. I have nothing new to tell them about their wonderful daughter so I have no idea why they want to have a meeting. It's always this way for the 2nd semester. For 1st semester, meetings are mandatory. But when they are optional, it seems only the good students' parents want to show up. So for my fellow kindergarten coworker, Jon, the parents of his student with the best English skills came in for a meeting today.

The meeting was toward the end of the day so I guess his parents just stuck around until the children were dismissed. Before bringing my students out to their school buses, I popped into our office to grab my coat and change into my outdoor shoes (we have to wear slippers inside the kindergarten) and ran into the mother of this boy. I greet her and as I'm slipping into my coat she asks me, "Oh are you expecting a baby?" I freeze, with one arm mid-sleeve and stare at her. Christina, my Korean teacher, looks appalled by this woman and even though I've said nothing yet, knows me well enough to know how pissed off I am. My pleasant smile dissolves instantly and I cast her an icy glare. "No, I just had one four and a half months ago, but thank you so much for calling me fat," I tell her. She gives a half-assed apology and I give her the mean-girl laugh. If you know me, you know EXACTLY which one. She is just lucky she's a parent of one of our students because if not, I'd have tore her a new one.

The funny thing is, I was feeling pretty good about myself until that moment. And even funnier is that woman was in the room when I was pumping my breast milk during my break time. Yes, I'm pregnant AND pumping milk. Moron. The only wise thing she did was stay out of our office and away from me after insulting me. Talk about the height of rudeness. No, my stomach is not flat yet. I have 2 beautiful daughters to show for it though. Some day, I will get my body completely back in shape but for now, I have to take baby steps to get there. I know that I will never regret spending time with my girls. Sure, it's disappointing to not have bounced back but I'm not 20. I only LOOK 20. Ok, 28. But still. It's a work in progress and I really resent some sucky bitch asking me if I'm pregnant when I'm not even close to looking like a pregnant person. Even a pregnant person in the early stages of pregnancy. Yes you, Thinks-She's-So-Perfect-Mom, suck most of all. 

By the way, some good did come out of the first 2 encounters with sucktastic people...Raelynn has learned her lesson after being punished for her bad behavior. That, coupled with limited time with her grandpa, has left us with a wonderfully well-behaved little girl who no longer throws tantrums in an attempt to get her way. Thank goodness, on so many levels, especially so that I no longer have to endure gaping stares from sucky strangers on the street.

Eggstra! Eggstra! MIL Still Sucks!

Some things never change. Ever. Of course she still sucks. It's like MIL looks for new ways to make me despise her. Maybe in her pea-brain, she's thinking, "Let's see if my daughter-in-law will really lunge at me with the butcher knife if I do this..." You have no idea how hard it is to restrain myself. No, I'd never stab her or even kill her. But I seriously must fight the urge to smack her upside the head. On a daily basis.

Today, the only difference was how strong the urge was and how close I came to living the dream of bopping her on the head.

We have an arrangement, as you are likely aware if you are a regular reader of this blog, that Mondays through Thursdays, she cooks dinner after I get home. I hate this arrangement but if I don't accept her help, I will never get to spend time with my Seoul, who, incidentally, will turn 4 months this weekend. Jeremy ordered her to leave me alone on Fridays. I am so happy every Friday because, for one, it's the weekend. And for another, I don't have to see that buck-toothed zombie for 2 whole days. Yay!

Each Friday, she basically leaves as soon as I get home and I am absolutely delighted. Raelynn plays while I nurse Seoul. Then I sing songs to my baby and play with her until she gets sleepy, which doesn't take long. Once she's asleep, I cook dinner. I don't make anything big and crazy but I do plan ahead and think of cool things I can make in 30 minutes or less. 45 minutes tops. Today, while on the bus home, I remembered we had bacon. And pasta. And I knew right then I'd make spaghetti carbonara. And if we still had lettuce, I'd make a fresh salad and homemade ranch dressing  to accompany the carbonara. Perfect!

So today, I feed Seoul and plop her into the crib while I go take the bacon out of the freezer. And that's when I discover MIL is cooking something. Incredulous, I ask her what she thinks she's doing. It's Friday and I'm cooking, not her. I am trying not to explode, but I seriously just want to grab her by the throat. I am so sick of being forced to eat her vomitous cooking creations. Is it so much to ask that I get to cook something I like on the weekends?

MIL tells me she's making an egg for Raelynn. It's just after 5pm now. An egg? I ask her. Why? I'm going to make dinner shortly, I tell her. But Raelynn's hungry, she tells me. Yeah? She just ate a snack on the bus. She's not going to starve if she has to wait 30 more minutes for her dinner. I tell her that if she gives her an egg now, she won't eat her dinner properly. But that evil cow goes about her egg-making ways and I curse at her in English, but without shouting so she can't whine to Jeremy that I shouted at her. She's no idea what I'm saying to her but I'm sure she knows I'm pissed.

Seoul falls asleep and when I come out of our room, I'm thrilled to discover MIL has gone to her house of farty smells and greasy grossness. I whip up spaghetti carbonara so delicious that my mom would be proud. Seriously, it was perfect. My salad was crisp and delicious too. And Jeremy surprised us by bringing fresh scallops, so we steamed and ate those too.

But Raelynn, who had asked for spaghetti, didn't touch it. She ate some of the scallops and a cucumber from the salad. Other than that, she was too full from the egg to dig into her portion of pasta. I think she took one bite of it. And it wasn't an "I don't like this" crybaby toddler issue. She was full. Now I was pissed. If MIL wants me to hate her even more deeply, she has succeeded.

I was fuming mad as I started writing this post, but Jeremy came home and we enjoyed our dinner and then some wine. And while we were unwinding, a wonderful idea popped into my head. On Monday when that awful woman is here, I will make a very big point of giving Raelynn a snack before dinner. A big snack. So she doesn't eat a bit of what that vile woman prepares. Then MIL will get a taste of her own medicine. Take that, cow!

Losing My Marbles

With a title like that, you probably think I'll be launching into my next tirade about MIL, but this one's about school. And it's really not that much of a rant. Just a bit of whining.

See, for the last few years, ever since I started this job, I used play money in my classroom. The idea was to use it to reward my students for good behavior and completing tasks and to punish them for breaking the rules. It also had the added benefit of teaching the children to keep track of their money and having them learn how to take pride in saving it. By the end of each school year, none of my children ever spoke Korean during lessons. And every single one of them could count all their money by themselves. Not one parent ever complained to me or the school about it.

Until this year.

When I came back from maternity leave, I'd found that my Korean teacher and kindergarten director, Christina, had told the substitute not to use my play money system. Long story short, I was told that now my class size was 16, down from 20, and that 2 of the students left because of my system. I highly doubted that was true and my Western boss, Patrick, had the same feeling. But he's a fair guy so he had me send home a letter to the parents asking them to rate the play money system and write any comments they had. Patrick said if it was only a few parents complaining, we could ignore it, but if not, we'd have to tweak the system a little bit.

Incidentally, I seriously call bullshit on any of those children leaving because of the play money system. One boy left to go to ISQ, the best and most expensive international school here. Two girls and a boy left to go to Chinese school instead which often happens when families plan to stay in China for a while, or if they are half Chinese. One girl left but I was never told the reason. Her English was outstanding and she was well-behaved so she'd won at the end of a couple of months for having more money than the others, so I doubt her mom would have complained about that. And the other child that left was that The Chihuahua and while we're all delighted he's not there, his parents didn't pull him out because of the play money system. By the way, I'm sure you're doing the math and saying that doesn't add up. True that I suck ass at math, my math is not off here. I had 2 new students when I returned, and thankfully, both of them are great kids.

So the letters went home and then they came back. Most of the comments were in Korean so we had them translated. Two comments were written in English and those parents rated my system well. They expressed that they liked the system for its' many benefits and felt it was important to use to help teach the children how to mind their manners, be responsible and keep track of money, among other things. I had a few others saying they also liked the play money system.

And then there were about as many negative comments. But the comments were absolutely ridiculous. I do believe people are entitled to their opinions but, when someone basically tells me "I think you should only use it to reward the children," or "it causes children to tattle" (newsflash - EVERYTHING causes children to tattle!) I think their opinions are stupid. If you dislike the system, so be it, but don't make up idiotic reasons to tear it down. The worst was someone complained their child never won and was always losing money. That was likely someone whose child broke our class rules and didn't do their work. But no, that's all MY fault, isn't it? Couldn't be your child's fault now, could it? They ran down the hall so just blame me because it's not like I don't have "No Running" posted in our classroom or I don't tell them not to run every time they get up from their desks. Nope.

This group of children and their parents are unlike any other group. Their level is the absolute lowest I've had. And it's no wonder - the parents don't hold their children accountable for their behavior and don't have them study anything outside of school. Once they go home, they're overindulged and watch things in Korean. They don't practice anything in English. Yet their parents expect a miracle. I have about 5 students that are doing awesomely because their parents actually push them to. One is Heathen who, as you may recall, has other issues but his English skills aren't one of them. He has a tutor 2 days a week and it shows. He's weird and annoying, but talking to him in English is a treat. Like today on the playground. I see him picking his nose. So I tell him, "Hey Heathen, don't pick your nose. That's gross." And freak that he is, turns to me and says, "But I like picking my nose." Lovely.

Anyway, we decide that we should just change the system and make it simpler because obviously this is too much thinking for these people to do. We change it to marbles. The moms send in clear plastic milk bottles and the school orders me marbles. I tweak my system a bit and send home an updated list of rules, along with a list of what will be rewarded with marbles and what behaviors will cause students to lose their marbles. Christina explains to the children in Korean after I tell them in English.

And the marble system is going great. It looks prettier too and I don't have to make tons of copies of paper money, cut it out, laminate it and cut it out again. Christina also made a sign for it because our Open Class is this week. Tomorrow, actually. And somehow, I'm not nervous, though ask me if that's still true tomorrow.

It looks nice, huh?

But wait...what's THAT? That sign, between the bottles...

"Caught...being good." Oh and yes, to my best friend Lauren who loves Overboard as much as I do, someone DID give their child the English name of Roy. It brings me great joy every day to picture Kurt Russell saying, "His name is Travis." Ahhhh.

In any event, while I did come up with "Shoot for Success" on the sign (Christina just helped make it pretty because she's awesome like that), I did not sign off on this little thing. Which she mounted on foam board and was all proud of. Oh. God. No.

She originally wanted to put it on the good sign, just to the right of "for" but I told her I didn't like it there. She was so proud of it I couldn't tell her I hated it. And she's one of my bosses so I can't just tell her that her idea is stupid. Oh Christina. I love you to pieces but noooooooooooooo. This is awful.

I relented and suggested putting it where you see it in the above photo. It was my hope that there, it's less noticeable. I know why she did it though.

Because of all these whiny give-my-kid-a-trophy-or-reward-for-everything parents. Christina was just trying to appeal to them. Sure, they get marbles for being good. But they lose marbles for being bad too. I get it. I truly do. But it doesn't mean it doesn't suck. I hate the way the future looks with these kinds of kids in charge of the world. That seriously scares me. And it should scare you too.

Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back

You know, I should start off with something positive. So let me just say that yesterday, MIL was helpful. I KNOW. Pigs must have been flying somewhere because she completely backed me up without undermining my parenting when Raelynn was throwing a tantrum.

The tantrum, incidentally, was about a cupcake. I'd made strawberry cupcakes with strawberry frosting, much thanks to my mom who sent the mix in a package. Seoul turned 100 days this weekend and we were spared a crazy celebration with all the relatives since in China, 100-day celebrations are a big deal. Well, we were spared until the upcoming weekend that is. Stay tuned for that. Anyway, I thought we should make our own small celebration for her so I made the cupcakes. And we ate them for her.

Since FIL has been banned from meeting us at the school bus stop each day, I've been working with Raelynn to keep her from acting out. I know it's really hard for her to keep from sleeping on the bus. Lord knows I try to keep her awake but she's just too tired and the ride is long. When she is woken up, she's disoriented and I totally understand how that must be for her. Yesterday, I spoke to her about this before we got on the bus. And while we were on the bus. I told her if she got off the bus without screaming and throwing a fit, I'd give her a cupcake when we got home. She was very good on the bus. Until she fell asleep and consequently, had to be woken up to get off the bus. The bus driver looked more than a little annoyed. At least that Chinese teacher refrained from offering candy to her this time.

I finally had to drag Raelynn off the bus and once I did, she screamed some more and tried hitting me. Talk about embarrassing! But before I had kids, I knew I'd have to prepare myself for embarrassing behavior. Like this for example. Because I was worried about her getting hit by a car (we were on the side of the road), my main focus was to get us on the sidewalk and out of any potential danger. Once I did that, I told her she blew it with the cupcake. She keeps yelling and saying she hates me now (I thought that didn't happen until the teen years) but I ignore her. And then she stops suddenly and completely switches gears. Now she's sorry. But I don't care. I say nothing and keep walking, holding her hand all the while and trying to think of something else so I don't fly into a rage.

She knows she's in big trouble and she's not getting that cupcake so now there are more tears. We get inside the house and I explain to MIL what happened. I was shocked and thrilled that she didn't fuck up my hard work because when Raelynn begged her for the cupcake, MIL refused to give it to her until I said it was ok. For ONE WHOLE FUCKING HOUR we listened to this kid scream and cry in her room. MIL went and cooked us food that wasn't too bad (seriously, sorry I have not documented the meals...I keep forgetting until it's too late) and I fed and snuggled Seoul.

Finally, Raelynn figured it out. She apologized for being a jerk. I didn't want to reward her though because I feared she'd think as long as she says she's sorry, even if it's not sincere, she'll get a treat. So I had her help me with some chores. And she really worked hard. So I offered her a cupcake for being a good helper.

Yes, yesterday was a good day for a Monday. Two steps forward.

Now it's Tuesday and we're taking two steps back. Way back.

Only a mini-tantrum today. Plus a big, unattended and mangy dog walked by us and that sufficiently spooked her into submission. I'll just remind her about the yucky dog from now on and I think that will achieve the desired results. When we get home, I see MIL has dressed Seoul in Raelynn's socks. Because she's too stupid to find the socks in Seoul's drawers, apparently. Because it makes SO much sense to put socks on a baby that are intended for a child 3 times the size. Perfect. So I tell her this and show her AGAIN where all the clothes are for the baby and just shake my head.

Next, it's dinner time. I've been busy bathing Seoul and trying to reach my brother on Skype for his birthday. Now Seoul is tired and I've put her to sleep. Raelynn comes to tell me it's time to eat. So I emerge from our room and I find only 2 things on the table:
1) Chicken wings, which she made yesterday. Not leftover, just a new batch. She makes good chicken wings but I don't want to eat the same thing 2 days in a row. She always does that kind of thing. My friend Lynelle suggested that she probably buys a bunch of the same thing and then just uses it until it's gone and that makes tons of sense. Only she makes those things the same way every single day. If she has cauliflower, she cooks it with sesame oil. For 5 days straight. Me, I can take cauliflower and find 5 different ways to make it during the week. I wish she could do that too.
2) Xifan. Because OF COURSE.

That's it. Nothing else. So I ask her where are the vegetables because I know Jeremy will shit a brick if there are no vegetables on the table and she then offers me baozi, those steamed stuffed bun things I hate, because those have vegetables in them, she tells me. *facepalm*

So I eat what I can, trying not to snarl in rage too much because there are 2 cupcakes left. Raelynn has eaten all of what MIL served her, which was my requirement for getting a cupcake today, so she is happily eating hers. Mine is sitting, waiting for me to finish this bland offering. But I want to set a good example for my daughter so I eat politely and then enjoy my cupcake.

As I go to throw out the cupcake wrapper, I see something odd in the garbage can. I realize what it is. It's a smoke detector a friend gave us before moving back to the US. A smoke detector that I've been nagging someone to get batteries for. Here (Korea too), smoke detectors aren't usually present in homes. It's the stupidest thing ever. Now ours is sitting toward the top of the trash with soggy tea leaves on top of it. I shout for MIL to come and ask her about it. She tells me it's broken. How would you know, you old moron? It's not broken! It needs batteries. What pisses me off about this is that she threw out something of ours without asking either one of us. She just ASSUMED. She didn't even know what it was. She probably thought it was a mini-spaceship or some shit. I explained to her what a smoke detector does. Then I told her don't throw out our things. This is someone who leaves garbage around the house like napkins and junk mail but throws out things that we want, need or use. That's probably why Raelynn's art smock disappeared. She didn't think there was a use for it. YET SHE KEEPS ALL KINDS OF OTHER USELESS SHIT! She once tried to dig out old power strips that had frayed wires from our garbage until I told her they were broken!

To make my point to her, I pointed at her shoes and asked her if she'd like it if I threw her things into the garbage. She said no. I then told her to please not throw out our things and to only throw out actual garbage. We'll see how that goes. We all know her track record, don't we?

Please Don't Give My Kid Candy

It's not that I'm opposed to candy. Hell, I love the stuff. Especially chocolate stuff. Oh man. And I surely don't mind Raelynn having some of it here and there. But if you read my post from yesterday, you know I don't want Raelynn getting any kind of treat when her behavior is bad. Unfortunately, other people are just as clueless as my FIL on this matter.

It never ceases to amaze me how many Chinese people can try to butt into something that doesn't concern them in the slightest. People on the street will come running up to us to tell us something idiotic about our children. When Raelynn was a tiny baby that couldn't even walk, a man ran across the street to tell me she wasn't wearing shoes. Yeah, no shit dumbfuck. I dressed her. She's A BABY. She can't walk yet. She doesn't need shoes. She's got thick socks on her feet to keep them warm and toasty.

But it doesn't end there with people telling you how to dress your kid. And by the way, no matter HOW you dress your kid in China, some fuckface will come up to you and tell you your kid is too hot or too cold. Yes, because YOU know what MY kid needs. Hey, I know what you need...a throat chop. Get lost! Yeah, people here are beyond nosy. I'm sure they're trying to be helpful so maybe I should cut them some slack but I am soooooooooooooooooo sick and tired of the stupidity here. I find myself shouting "Serenity now!" like George Costanza's crazy father in Seinfeld.

As promised, FIL didn't come to wait at the bus drop-off today. I tried to keep Raelynn from falling asleep on the bus but my efforts were all in vain. She was cranky when I woke her up, willingly flopping herself on the floor of the bus aisle and crying like a baby. I shout at her to move it or she's in for it and she miraculously obeys, though continues the crying. We're the second-to-last stop. A Chinese teacher gets dropped off last. I forget her name but she's wonderfully nice. She's helped me out before when Surly was, well, surly.

She and I were also pregnant at the same time. She had her first child, a daughter, 3 months before my Seoul was born. When I came back to work, we happily showed each other gobs of photos of our tiny babies. I generally like this woman. But today, I did not like her. Not one bit.

As we make our way to the front of the bus, Raelynn wailing away like the drama queen she often is, the Chinese teacher says, "Oh no! Don't cry! Have a piece of candy!" And I stop her. "Uh, no thanks. She doesn't need candy right now. She's not being very good," I explain. And I keep moving with Raelynn toward the exit and the Chinese teacher, who has understood exactly what I've said (her English is very good) tries again to give her the candy. "No," I say even more firmly this time, "She doesn't deserve candy for acting like this," and I physically have to push the candy away from my daughter before we get off the bus. Raelynn cries for about 2 more seconds and then promptly stops. We walk home and she behaves. She walks all by herself without me carrying her. She even carries a bag of sweet potatoes from our field trip to the ultra-lame potato farm (please don't ask, but if you're a friend of mine on Facebook, you can see the photos there).

I'm furious that people try to undermine my parenting here. FIL. People I know from work. Strangers even. Is everyone here really truly that socially awkward? Maybe I'm the one that's crazy but if a child's parent told me their child shouldn't have any candy, I wouldn't press the issue. I would stay out of it. Jeremy's even had enough of it. Not too long ago, Raelynn threw a fit at church and he took her out of there while I was outside the auditorium with Seoul. As I followed them, a Chinese lady and her small son followed, all the while the woman is telling her son to tell Raelynn not to cry. Seriously. People here just don't get it. It's no wonder children here are terrible. Why wouldn't they be? No one stops them from behaving like monsters. Oh she's crying, and not because she's hurt. She's crying because she didn't get her way. Here, let's give her a treat so we can reinforce that rotten behavior so she always acts like a jerk and cries for more candy. I'm sure she'll be a well-balanced adult. Yessssssssss!

I seriously think everyone needs to read this article about raising a generation of helpless children. Because it's true. Especially in China. I want to stay in touch with this Chinese teacher when we move. I want to see how her daughter behaves when she's Raelynn's age. It doesn't take a genius to predict that the girl will be a total brat thanks to her grandparents spoiling her and her own mother awarding her candies when she fails to obey her requests. Get ready for it!

Great Going, Grandpa!

Thank goodness for Google searches so I can find the perfect images to illustrate my posts. This one's from here. 

Please read the title of this post with as much sarcasm as you can drip from your voice. Because FIL has outdone himself yet again in undoing the positive progress we've made in Raelynn's behavior.

Despite my repeated pleas, FIL comes to meet us at the bus drop-off each day. When I was pregnant with Seoul, this was very helpful because I couldn't carry a sleeping Raelynn and our bags off the bus, up the hill, down the street and up 6 flights of stairs. But now that I'm not pregnant, I welcome the strenuous exercise. It's the only workout I've got time for at the moment and FIL ruins it every day by being there. But with any luck, we'll be moving to the US soon enough so I think to myself, "What's the harm in letting him come to greet his eldest granddaughter when she gets home from school?"

Oh silly me.

I should have known there would be great harm in allowing this. After all, we remember what a maternity leave of daily outings to the park with her grandparents resulted in: crazy behavior at the US Embassy in Guangzhou.

Today, Raelynn had fallen asleep on the bus. Some days she doesn't, but today she did. I tried to wake her which resulted in a groggy toddler. She started to follow me but FIL came on board and she didn't want to go with him. I keep calling her from the door to come with me. The bus driver looks dull-eyed and annoyed. Certainly he wants to move on from here and go play mahjong for hours on end while drinking tons of beer and smoking tons of cigarettes, or whatever he does when he's not driving the bus. Finally, FIL just scoops her up and she kicks and screams and goes into full-blown tantrum mode.

We get her on the side of the road and she's completely flipping out. And then, she bites FIL. On his thigh. Savage. So, still carrying all our bags, I snatch her up and carry her, telling her things like "No!" and "We don't bite people! Wait until Daddy hears about this!" And she's upset but she's listening to me. Until I put her down a block away. Because I am wearing high-heeled boots and I cannot keep wobbling in them, with our bags and carrying her on this lumpy craptacular sidewalk. She's furious about this and flips out. She wraps her arms around one of my legs - classic toddler tantrum move - and I have to hobble down the sidewalk the rest of the way. Now instead of not wanting her grandpa, who she was saying she didn't like moments before, she says she doesn't like ME. Because I won't carry her anymore.

Of course that idiot feeds into this and allows her to behave this way, carrying her like a baby and giving into her demands. Once up the stairs and away from nosy morons on the street who kept trying to butt in (and were abruptly cursed at by yours truly), we enter our home. MIL is naturally curious about why Raelynn's crying this time so I explain to her what happened from the whole biting incident on forward. I tell Raelynn to go to her room until she can come out and tell her grandpa she's sorry, which she STILL had not done because he gave in to her.

She screams and carries on, while the actual baby in the house serenely peers at me from MIL's arms. She wiggles and reaches toward me and I'm so happy to see her little face again. She wants her milk boobs so I tell MIL to have Raelynn stay in her room until she says sorry to FIL.

I can hear everything from the bedroom but I can't do anything because Seoul is blissfully latched on and enjoying breastmilk straight from the tap. All I can do is send Jeremy WeChat messages from my phone, telling him all about it. Once Seoul finishes her meal, I take her with me to talk to Raelynn who has now stopped crying her eyes out.

She's fine, actually. And as I try to talk to her about why her behavior wasn't good, she tells me, "Grandpa gave me a piece of candy!"

"WHAT?!?" I say, stunned. And then I turned to him and asked him in Chinese, "Ni gei ta tang?!?" And that total imbecile says yes, because she was crying and he didn't want her to cry. Oh. My. GOD! What is wrong with him?!? I actually ask him this. I then tell him as politely as I possibly can in my poor Chinese that I don't want him to give her candy when she's been bad because then she thinks she can act out like that and get rewards. And he harped on the whole "but she was crying bit." Augh!

Jeremy gave him a big lecture when he got home but FIL didn't understand still. I asked my husband to explain to him that if he loves Raelynn, he sometimes needs to let her cry and be disappointed. One day she'll be in America and I don't want her acting this way. I would be absolutely embarrassed if she acted like this at my parents' house. Then again, my parents wouldn't be giving her candy if she'd been that rotten in their presence.

But one good thing did come of this incident - FIL said he won't wait at the bus stop tomorrow to punish her for biting him today. I don't know if that will work but hey, I'll be happy to not have him mess up my parenting.

Oh and in case you're wondering about MIL, let me just bitch about her for 2 seconds. See, I'm finishing this post after Raelynn's bedtime routine and after hanging out with my husband in the living room. We enjoyed some ice cream together while watching TV. When I went to serve him that ice cream though, I noticed something odd on top of our mammoth refrigerator. I tried taking photos but the flash whites it out completely and without flash, you can't see it, much thanks to the pathetic, paltry little light in our kitchen, so you'll have to envision what I'm about to describe...

On top of the refrigerator, I noticed a plastic food container (calling this wonky thing "Tupperware" is a stretch) covered with a clear plastic bag. Because she just can't ever figure out how to use lids. I saw it when I was opening up the freezer to get the ice cream. I opened the freezer door and stopped. I closed it and reached up to this foreign object. And I noticed with disgust that it had a leftover cooked fish dish inside of it. Leaving food out is totally MIL's calling card but this is a new one. I mean ON TOP OF THE REFRIGERATOR. You know, I'm not a tall girl at five-foot-four but I'm not short either. Still, I had to reach up to grab this thing. It required effort on my part. MIL is not taller than I am. She's not shrunken and short either. So she had to actually work at putting this container of food up there. Jeremy just laughed. And I'm sure you are too but I'm not. Because only a crazy person would do that and we are stuck leaving that crazy person to watch our precious baby. Lord!

Mooseknuckle, Anyone?

Who's hungry? Well, if you are right now, you certainly won't be when you take a look at this creation by MIL.

 Dear Lord! What IS that mess? It looks like she melted a whole entire yak into that pot. Thankfully, I didn't have to eat it. She knows better now that I will not eat unrefrigerated creature. She left this out on our stove. Shame on my husband for allowing that too, but he likes eating boiled mooseknuckles or whatever the hell this is, even if it's been sitting out on the counter overnight. Or for days. And according to my other friends with Chinese spouses, this is a very typical thing Chinese people do - the whole leaving the food out thing. It totally freaks me out.

Also, loooooooooooove the wonky dumplings she probably left out all day long with this decomposing carcass. On a plate. In a plastic bag. Because Qingdao people love their plastic bags. Ugh.

Blargh! I should totally print this photo out and tape it to the cabinet where all my candy bars from my mom are. That will keep me from snarfing them all down at once. Actually, that will keep me from eating anything again. Ever. This looks like a cauldron of death, doesn't it? It's like she goes out of her way to make her food extra gross.

Despite this disgusting mess in my kitchen, I was at least able to make a normal dinner tonight. I waited until Seoul fell asleep before I began cooking and MIL kept pestering me that she wanted to hold the baby. MIL, you were with Seoul all day. I get only about 2 hours - if that - of her being awake when I get home and I'm NOT giving her to you for that time. Dinner will wait until she sleeps. No one will starve if we have dinner at 6:30pm instead of 5:30pm. In addition to nagging me every 5 minutes about getting to hold the baby, she kept singing stupid Chinese songs. SHUT UP! No one wants to hear you sing, especially not me. I gave her the death stare and she put a lid on it. Thankfully she left soon after that. Of course, when Jeremy got home, he served himself up a side of yeti soup here to go with my offerings of cheesy pasta, tofu salad and roasted cabbage. I had to look the other way while he ate it so I could try to ingest some of the meal I'd prepared.

MIL - ruining food by cooking it her way since at least 1950.

Gross!

So here's a quick post to share the grossness that I was subjected to earlier. Because I can't keep this shit to myself. Why should I be the only one to suffer? And yes, I already told Jeremy. In case you were wondering.

My in-laws have been watching Seoul while Raelynn and I are at school. When we get home, I go enjoy my cuddly precious baby by feeding her, talking to her, playing with her, singing, dancing...whatever she's up for until she falls asleep. To help me be able to have this time with my tiny baby before she suddenly poofs into a big girl like my darling Raelynn, MIL cooks...yes, STILL. And my apologies incidentally on not photographically documenting it. I'll try to do that again soon. I'm just exhausted this week as I get used to being back at work and most nights, am busy holding my sweet Seoul while I eat so I can have more time with her. Anyway, MIL also bathes Raelynn for me, which is truly a big help.

I heard Raelynn screaming and some general discussion in Chinese regarding smelling bad. Which I found ironic, considering who was saying it. I finish feeding Seoul and come out to find MIL bathing Raelynn in the bathroom while FIL is in Raelynn's room folding up the dirty clothes she was just wearing and trying to put them back in her closet. EVEN THE UNDERWEAR.

Please let that sink in for just a teensy moment, won't you? MIL is bathing Raelynn and FIL is putting the clothing she was wearing all day - running outside, playing on the playground and getting dirty in pottery class - back into the closet DIRTY. AND he's putting her underwear in there too! Now, I'm all for putting some things back in the closet if they haven't been subjected to the kinds of things a toddler is subject to at school, but never ever ever is it OK in my book to put underwear you've worn all day back without washing it. Or put it back on right after you bathe. DEAR LORD! And these people had the nerve to tell her she was stinky and needed to take a bath. Yes, she needed a bath but I've lost count of how many times I've wanted to tell those 2 they smell like they've been playing with wet dogs. At least we can understand WHY they smell so badly...they wear the same things day in and day out, including their underwear, and do not wash them! And they do not bathe regularly! Gah!

Oh! Oh! And my husband told me something very interesting this evening. We were discussing visa things and he told me that his father told him that he didn't want to come to America to visit us whn we move there. Rude!

I asked why that was and Jeremy said his father likes Qingdao and doesn't want to go anywhere else. Bats in the belfry, man. Now, I don't really want him (or MIL!) to visit, but I'm sure I must allow it at some point once we're settled in over there. MIL wants to visit of course and you know that old cow will try to stay with us FORFUCKINGEVER and I am hoping her tourist visa would not be valid for a long period of time. GOD. Don't let this woman come stay with us. We'll just come back and visit them. Anyway, I'm kind of pissed about what FIL said. Not because I'd miss him but because his only grandchildren will be living in their home country and he won't even go visit them. What a dick. His loss. I have to at least give MIL points for wanting to come. She's never even been on a plane. Ever. In her whole life. That should be interesting trying to explain to her how airports and airplanes work. Or how to get her tourist visa from the embassy when we're ready to entertain her. When that happens, count on me blogging about it. For sure!

Oh Please!

 One of my best friends/former co-workers always said this and I think it applies perfectly to MIL. And FIL too.

This morning, I officially had it. And I think my husband has too.

Last night after dinner, while I was busy nursing Seoul and putting her to bed, Jeremy was cleaning up in the kitchen with his mother. As they cleaned, he spoke to her about doing a better job cleaning up and not leaving such a mess. He also asked her to not make so much food and to please use the meats and vegetables we have in our kitchen instead of bringing all of her stuff. It was Thursday night and on Fridays, she doesn't come to cook her barfy slop for us. My husband said he was simply speaking to her and not yelling about this. She brings over all this food we never asked her to bring and he likes to keep his promise to me about us eating my kinds of foods on the weekend.

You'd think in a mixed family like ours, his parents would at least try to eat some Western food or learn some American customs and traditions. But no. It all has to be me trying to fit into their culture. And my husband now sees how terribly unfair it is to me, and our children who are now both US citizens as well. He sees that I'm always the one to make a compromise while his parents push and push and push, crossing over any line of boundaries we ever set. 

MIL must be forgetting that if she fucks with us, she won't see her grandkids because she pulled some big bullshit today after my husband had spoken to her about his concerns. Instead of listening to him, you know what she does? She refuses to come up in the morning to get Raelynn for the mountain park and instead, sends FIL. Oh goodie.

That's how I found out about Jeremy's conversation with his mother. Because as I lay there nursing Seoul at about 8:30 this morning, Jeremy comes into our bedroom and sits down in my desk chair with a huff. He looks annoyed and very sad. After 4 years of marriage, I know his faces. All of them. And I hate to see this one.

He doesn't even want to leave for work yet because he doesn't want to speak to his father anymore. Apparently, FIL came in and instantly gave Jeremy a hard time about his talk with his mother. Let me clarify that he TALKED to her. There was no shouting. I would have certainly heard that in our bedroom while I got the baby to go to sleep. Yes, he talked to her about not making so much food, please use our meats and vegetables and to help clean up better and she got upset about THAT. She chooses THAT to flip out about instead of when I shrieked at her the other day.

I told you she's a manipulative cow. She's sulking until she gets her way and my husband now sees it all very clearly. Instead of having the effect she wants it to have, he just can't wait for us to move away. You know, those 2 idiots better be nicer to Jeremy. He doesn't have to take care of them as they age even further. In fact, after this, I hope he lets them rot. I hate when they treat him badly. My husband somehow turned out well despite having them as parents. Perhaps because he spent 10 years of his life living away from them, between going to college in China and traveling around on his soccer team to living in Korea. He always tells me he was so happy during that time because he was away from them. Jeremy is a smart and wonderful person but his parents never see this. Maybe it's the Asian way, but they are constantly pushing him down even when he has success. His insurance job? Oh that's worse than being a beggar, they tell him. They never praise him for the things he's accomplished in his life. And of course, when he has a failure, as all of us do from time to time, they shove that right in his face.

Now my husband feels bad about himself and is sitting in my chair, staring out the window. He needs to get going and start his day but he doesn't want to encounter his father again, who is inexplicably taking his sweet fucking time getting Raelynn off to the park. I tell Jeremy I'll shoo him away. FIL doesn't like to talk to me too much.

When I emerge from our room, I see he's already taken out ALL of her toys and now we've got blocks all over the fucking living room floor like some sort of obstacle course. He knows I hate this so I bet he's done this on purpose. Asshole. I see Raelynn's got her shoes on so I try to focus on getting her excited to leave so he'll follow suit. But he keeps insisting she needs to drink tea. She has a thermos full of water. Give that to her. No, no. He treats me like I'm some horrible mother because I won't give my daughter tea to drink. He then takes forever to make tea and pour it into 2 different metal rice bowls. Because why give her a cup to drink out of like a person? No, let's drink out of bowls like dogs. How Chinese. He then decides she needs to eat another egg. OH. MY. GOD. Just take my kid out to the park and go. We agreed on this arrangement so you could spend time with Raelynn and so that I could have a break in the morning and now I have to clean up after this jackass instead of relax. I'm ready to kill him. Finally, he leaves and Jeremy is happy again. He can leave without having to endure more bullshit from his dad.

I'm seriously sick of these 2 idiots. Some might argue they help us. Yes, they do. But then they jump in and help with things we didn't ask them to help with and then they try to control everything and yell at my husband when he nicely asks them to please stop. It's insane. I would love it if they never came over anymore. Seriously. LOVE IT. Hire a nanny to watch Seoul and take Raelynn to school with me and watch her behavior problems that they caused disappear again. It would be so lovely.

But of course, we're stuck enduring these nimrods for a little while longer at least. Hopefully not too much longer. My husband will forgive this incident but he won't forget it. He's got one foot out the door with me and our 2 beautiful daughters on his arm.

The Greatest Show On Earth

Come one, come all! And watch me, the amazing Jennifer and her equally amazing husband Jeremy change a diaper!

What? What's wrong? Oh, you don't want to watch that? Well, I can't say I blame you. See, I wouldn't want to watch that either. But a bunch of Chinese people at the Women and Infants Hospital where I had my 6-week check-up today sure did.

Today, Seoul is 6 weeks old which meant we were due back at the hospital for our check-ups. As we walk in, there are tons of set lights and cameras. We find out they're filming a TV pilot. Pretty cool! As the TV crew is invading Dr. Wang's office, she gabs with us in the lobby, fussing over Seoul and trying to talk me into having a 3rd kid. No. Nooooooo. NO. Let's just have this check-up, shall we?

Seoul and I are waiting for it to be my turn for the check-up. 
 
As we waited our turn, Seoul eventually became hungry and wanted to eat. One of the staff there offered me a more private place to nurse her, which I appreciated. As I sat feeding my baby, I listened to all the hospital sounds around me. I couldn't believe just 6 weeks before, I was stuck in the world's most uncomfortable hospital bed with IV's in my arms and a catheter in, well, you know where. And as I thought about all this, suddenly Seoul went PLTTHPPPTHHHHPPPPTHHHPLLLPPPPLLLPPPP!!!!!

An epic shit. Oh God. No. I am wearing a white skirt. I lift Seoul up and sure as shit (pardon the pun, won't you?) there is now a big, yellow blob of poop all over the front of my lovely white skirt. Thanks Seoul. Yeesh.

I head back to Jeremy who is holding the baby bag. He laughs but comes to my rescue, grabbing Seoul and handing me the wet wipes so I can clean up my skirt the best I can until I can get home to burn it bleach it. Jeremy begins tackling the diaper situation and I notice now that all the pregnant women and their annoying old-ass moms or MILs and even some husbands too are all crowded around us like are on a stage performing for them. I couldn't even believe it. I went to throw the diaper and dirty wipes out and I had to tell people to get out of my way when I turned back around. I have never seen more socially inept people all at once than I have in this country. It amazes me that these people would stand around to watch people change a diaper, especially when there is a whole production crew filming a TV show. Why aren't they looking at that?!? Sheesh!

After that, as we sat and continued to wait for my turn, I fed Seoul some more. I had my cover on but Seoul's little feet were poking out the other end. Some woman's mom who was waiting with her just came up way too close to me and was trying to grab her feet. "Leave us alone please," I said curtly and although she didn't understand English, she felt the daggers coming from my eyes and heard the tone of my voice. I can appreciate people want to be friendly but geez! This is what happens when an entire culture is raised by the grandparents. No one has manners. No one knows how to properly approach people and make friends. Why would they? When they're young, they're stuck with their idiot grandparents who only bring them around other idiot old people.

Anyway, on a positive note, Seoul and I checked out just fine and I'm all clear to exercise again. So back to my workouts I will go. And as for diet, if MIL keeps making shit like this, I should lose this last bit of weight by the time I go back to work in October.

While there, we visit with the nurses who took care of us during our hospital stay. They were so excited to see Seoul again.

Batteries Not Included

If you've ever read my blog and wondered, "Does her husband read the stuff she writes about his mother?" The answer to that question is yes. But he doesn't read everything. He does know it exists though and he's happy to let me have an outlet to express myself through rather than have me blow up and yell in his mom's face. Or worse, club her in the head with the frying pan, which, let me tell you, is incredibly tempting.

Of course, if you've read this blog for a while, you know I don't just write about her. Living in China, there's so much to write about. And being married to a Chinese man gives me so much to write about as well. So this post is about my husband, who won't be thrilled I'm writing about him but I hope he'll laugh at himself a little too. Like when he poked himself in the eye with a piece of spinach as he was trying to eat it. But that's a story for another time.

See, I tease my husband about being cheap. Jeremy does not want you to think he's a cheapskate. And I'm not just saying this for his benefit should he chose to sit down and read this particular post but he's NOT a cheapskate. But I'll be damned if he doesn't pick the absolute most random things to suddenly tighten up the wallet on.

Batteries, for instance.

You'll recall that we recently bought that wonderful chair for Seoul. It has a compartment to house one of those big batteries so it can vibrate. When you turn on the chair, it vibrates your sweet-but-noisy baby into blissful sleep quite quickly. Of course, the vibrating drains the battery almost as quickly as it lulls your kid to sleep. I figured that out the first week, so I started shutting off the vibrate button once I was sure Seoul was soundly sleeping. Normally, I wouldn't have cared but Jeremy got angry about the battery. "Those batteries are 5 yuan each!" he cried. He refused to change the battery and told me to just rock the baby in the chair. Which takes much longer than vibrating, incidentally. 

I can dig it that we shouldn't be going through batteries that cost 5 yuan a piece more quickly than toilet paper but I think it's time to change that battery, says the poor exhausted mommy who has been rocking an infant to sleep all night. Just when she thinks said infant is asleep and she sneaks back into the bed, that's when the crying begins again. Thankfully, Jeremy has found a solution that pleases us both. He's ordered a rechargeable battery for the chair off TaoBao, China's answer to shopping online. Now he won't complain about the 5 yuan batteries and I can actually get a break. It should be here in a few days. Yay!

But the chair and its' battery consumption isn't the only battery-operated item in our home that Jeremy had become concerned about. The other one was our new digital scale. I usually hate scales but was rather pleased he'd bought it (also from TaoBao) because I want to see exactly how much weight I'm losing post-baby. So today, I went to check out my weight and the scale wouldn't come on. Did the batteries go already? No. At least not in the way I'd fathomed. Jeremy had REMOVED them. Yes, really. He took them out and put them in the cabinet.

Why?
"This way, they will last a year," he proclaims. And I just stare at him. How is this little bathroom scale going to burn through batteries so rapidly that it would impact our budget? I can understand the chair batteries on some level but 2 double A batteries?!? So now every time I want to check my weight, I have to go dig these out of the cabinet and put them in first. It's not like we stand on the scale all day, every day!

The good news is the scale did say I'd lost another kilogram. That makes me happy, though not as happy as I will be when I finally get a rest while the battery does all the hard work in the chair.

Oh Come On!!!

While Seoul was napping, I managed to get a few moments in of cleaning before Raelynn came back from the park with her grandparents. I just kind of went around the house sporadically. It wasn't my intention...it's just that I seriously became distracted. I threw in a load of laundry and then attempted to get the dusting done. And then I would see something else and stop doing what I was doing until I effectively did little bits around our whole apartment.

One of those little things was to organize a shelf in Raelynn's room that had all her hair stuff on it. See, every morning when MIL picks her up, she puts Raelynn's hair into a ponytail. And then she puts 2 barrettes in to keep her hair from coming loose and getting into her face. But she picks the same barrettes EVERY day. Whether they match or not. Even though there are about 30 different barrettes she could choose. So I thought I'd tidy up the area and put all big bows and clips in one container; hair ties in another container; and barrettes in yet another container.

So as I was doing that, I could now see the rest of the shelf. Because as you know, MIL has to knock everything over and spill it and of course not clean it up. Once I put all the items in containers, I then discovered this:

I knew MIL did it as soon as I saw it. I brought it to Jeremy though and asked him if he did it. Because if I outright blame her, he'll get defensive. No, he tells me, it wasn't him. He asked me if I thought Raelynn did it. While I'll concede that's a possibility as she's broken plenty herself, Raelynn NEVER puts a broken item back where it belongs. She leaves it out in the middle of everything. Or shoves it behind the couch. She has never once put a broken thing back in its' place. So I tell him this and I tell him I think his mom did it because she's the one who does Raelynn's hair in the mornings and instead of using the brush on her hair, MIL and her pea-brain always use the comb. Because of course!

Now, I know what you're thinking. But Jenn! It's just a fucking cheap-ass comb. Get over it! Oh sweethearts, please. I don't care about the comb. It's the principle of the whole thing. She breaks the comb and then puts it back on the shelf. Who could use this thing now? THROW IT OUT! Tell us you broke the comb. We have other combs. But no. She just puts it back on the shelf like nothing's the matter. She never says sorry when she breaks things either. Remember when she broke my 2 favorite mugs?!? And all the other shit she's broken. Like the Baby Bjorn chair! Not one sorry out of her. It's not in their culture which makes me angrier every time I hear that. You know why? Because I try very hard to incorporate some of the Chinese culture in my life. I'm not always successful but I do try because I want to make my husband happy and I want my daughters to embrace the Chinese part of their heritage as much as their American part.Why is it so hard for her to say "sorry" then? She could say it in Chinese and I'd understand just fine.

And honestly, if this comb was the only thing she had ever broken in our home, I wouldn't even give a shit. It's the culmination of broken things that have been put back broken over these last few years that just make me want to scream like a banshee before punching her in the throat as I tell her "OH COME ON!!!!! JUST FUCKING SAY YOU'RE SORRY! GAH!!!!" But my husband wouldn't be keen on that so all I can do is give her a dirty look and pray even harder that we can move home very soon. Oh and of course, use a different comb.

P.U. That Stinks!

The other day, my husband and I had an interesting discussion. It began as he took the pillowcases off our pillows. “Are you doing the laundry?” I ask him. Of course he’s not but I’m curious as to why he’s doing this, especially since I washed those badboys a few days ago. But! He DOES say we need to clean them. They need “fresh air” he explains. And as he says this, he opens our windows on a particularly smoggy day to hang them outside. To freshen them up.

Please let this sink in for just a moment. Now, you all know I love Jeremy with all my heart. And while he’s a very smart man, he will do random things like this that make me want to hit myself in the face with a brick because NO ONE should believe this is ok. It’s not. And I know who taught him this. You do too. My in-laws! And it’s not even their fault because the government here issued a statement about how smog is GOOD for you. I’m not even joking. Click here if you don't believe me.

I tried my hardest to explain to him that our pillowcases (as well as the rest of our bedding) had just been washed. “But they need to be out in the sun!” he declares, like they’re some poor children who have been locked away from society for decades and are desperate to play hide and seek in the garden. And with that, he takes our 2 remaining clamps for hanging laundry outside (MIL broke or dropped the 20 we had when first moved here and although I told this to Jeremy dozens of times, he acts surprised now that there are only 2 to work with now) and he puts our pillowcases out in the “fresh” China air.

He tells me they need an hour in the sun. I should also mention that because it was smoggy, there really wasn’t much sun out there. I tried to explain this but was told we MUST do this for our health. I give up. I bite my lip to try not to laugh because this is my life and it’s just hilarious sometimes that my husband’s bizarre cultural upbringing gives us moments like this.

An hour passes and Jeremy retrieves the pillowcases from outside. I’m sitting on our bed nursing Seoul. He tosses our pillowcases over to me. And I get a whiff. GOD. WTF is that smell?!? I shit you not, it smells as though an old man went running and wiped his sweaty ass with our pillowcases. In fact, had I not been sitting in our bedroom this entire time, I sincerely would have suspected that’s just what happened. But no. THAT is what happens when you hang something outside to dry or air-out in China. How exactly is that healthy for us? Back home, I always used a dryer for my clothes but on the few occasions I did hang something outside, it never once smelled worse after washing and drying it than when it was in the dirty laundry pile in the first place. Here, dryers are expensive and although we can afford one, we have no room for it in our home. So I hang everything to dry but INSIDE. Because I KNOW how it smells when you hang something outside. When we first moved here, the first time I washed our sheets and blankets, I was treated to this horrible stench because I had nowhere else to hang these things but outside. And 4 years ago, we weren’t getting such bad smog in Qingdao. Now it’s even worse.

Of course, I made a big stink (pun absolutely intended) about the way our pillowcases now reeked. And I promptly put them back into the laundry basket. They’ve since been washed and have been drying happily inside our home. And just so you know, they still smell like Tide. Not like old man armpits, thankyouverymuch.