Someone Made Me Eat This: Fried Everything

I've been meaning to do another post in this Someone Made Me Eat This series for a while. MIL's made some good things, like steamed crabs for example, but she's made mostly bad things. VERY bad things. And this new mommy is too damn tired and hungry to photograph every barfy thing that this woman puts on our table.

So before Seoul wakes up from her nap or Raelynn runs in here screaming for a snack, let me just show you what was presented to me as a meal last night:

I came out from nursing the baby and this is what our table looked like. Ugh. On the left, we've got small abalone. I like it, when it's served at a nice restaurant and isn't overcooked to shit like these were. I ate one. The only good thing about our recent internet strife was that Jeremy was too busy on the phone with the internet company to police my eating habits. He's always forcing me to take another bite of whatever goopy, stinky or yucky thing his mother's made for us. She was too busy holding the baby so I could eat, or rather, not eat this.

Next, you'll see some fried, greasy wannabe pancake thing. It would have been great if she didn't use almost all the oil in all of China making them. Same with the plate next to that. You're looking at fried pumpkin.  She used the rest of all the oil in China to make these. Oh and that plate of cauliflower? You'd think it would be healthy but no. She doused that shit in oil too. The only safe thing is that bowl of stupid xifan (a bland soup made with rice and beans). I ate the whole bowl so I bet that's why neither Jeremy nor the head troll bothered me to eat more food.

I guess she was making up for when we went out for good Chinese food the other night. And I'm sure she'll do the same tonight. Oh joy.

The Dark Ages

It boggles my mind that we once survived without internet. Or smart phones. Because now, I cannot seem to live without those amenities.

It’s not my fault. I live in China and although I’m in a big city, I’m pretty isolated. My friends live on the other side of town so it’s not like I can walk over to visit or anything like that. Getting together with people we know requires a great deal of planning. And sometimes those plans get ruined because one of us gets a sick kid or something comes up.

So the internet has become a big thing for me here. I can’t function without it. When I lived in the US, I never cared about having internet at home. But here, I need it. It’s my lifeline. Without it, I can’t stay in touch with family and friends back home. I can’t even do what I need to do here, like finish writing my articles for the next issue of Redstar Family Guide, for example. I can’t use my phone to access WeChat to talk to my local friends (it’s free and doesn’t use up my balance like texting does). I can’t do diddly shit.

Over the last 5 or 6 weeks, we’ve been having a plethora of internet issues. It started with the mangled line courtesy of our upstairs neighbors. Then, it was something else. And then it was our router. Thankfully, each time it’s gone down, the internet company has sent us a helpful employee who is the kind of person you are grateful to meet anywhere. In Qingdao, it’s pretty hit or miss with how people are. Some of them are kind and helpful and others are rude jerks. We were lucky to make friends with this guy. He’s come over about 5 or 6 times now to attend to our recent connection problems. On Saturday night, we had more connection issues. He came out on Sunday while we were at church and replaced the line in the building. We thought that would be the end of it.

But then this morning, it was going crazy again. It was up. Then down. Then up. Then down. Repeatedly. I tried unplugging the router a few times and texting Jeremy who thought I was just bothering him over nothing because after 20 minutes of unstable behavior, it stayed up. He said it was probably due to the heavy rain.

I thought maybe he was right. Until this evening when I was watching our satellite TV, which runs through the router. Suddenly, it cut out. I checked and my connection was gone on my laptop. AGAIN. I unplugged the router again and it came back. I prayed it would stay up because at this point, MIL was here and I cannot sit in this house with her on a good day so imagine me being stuck with her sitting like lump on a log while the baby sleeps, hoping she wakes up so she can hold her and say stupid things like “e” (pronounced like “uh” which means hungry and is probably one of the most annoying Chinese words) or “chi far fe le” (which is actually even more annoying than “e” and makes me far stabbier, actually) with no TV or internet to help me escape. Gah!

Fortunately, luck was on my side. But soon after Jeremy came home, it went ape-shit and it stayed that way, all night. Up, down, up, down. And again, our internet friend came over and worked his magic. He says he thinks it's a faulty line inside our home. They will replace that one too and hopefully, God-willing, that will be the end of our internet woes. 

I still want to blame the people upstairs. This all started when they came along. Bastards.

P.U. That Stinks!

The other day, my husband and I had an interesting discussion. It began as he took the pillowcases off our pillows. “Are you doing the laundry?” I ask him. Of course he’s not but I’m curious as to why he’s doing this, especially since I washed those badboys a few days ago. But! He DOES say we need to clean them. They need “fresh air” he explains. And as he says this, he opens our windows on a particularly smoggy day to hang them outside. To freshen them up.

Please let this sink in for just a moment. Now, you all know I love Jeremy with all my heart. And while he’s a very smart man, he will do random things like this that make me want to hit myself in the face with a brick because NO ONE should believe this is ok. It’s not. And I know who taught him this. You do too. My in-laws! And it’s not even their fault because the government here issued a statement about how smog is GOOD for you. I’m not even joking. Click here if you don't believe me.

I tried my hardest to explain to him that our pillowcases (as well as the rest of our bedding) had just been washed. “But they need to be out in the sun!” he declares, like they’re some poor children who have been locked away from society for decades and are desperate to play hide and seek in the garden. And with that, he takes our 2 remaining clamps for hanging laundry outside (MIL broke or dropped the 20 we had when first moved here and although I told this to Jeremy dozens of times, he acts surprised now that there are only 2 to work with now) and he puts our pillowcases out in the “fresh” China air.

He tells me they need an hour in the sun. I should also mention that because it was smoggy, there really wasn’t much sun out there. I tried to explain this but was told we MUST do this for our health. I give up. I bite my lip to try not to laugh because this is my life and it’s just hilarious sometimes that my husband’s bizarre cultural upbringing gives us moments like this.

An hour passes and Jeremy retrieves the pillowcases from outside. I’m sitting on our bed nursing Seoul. He tosses our pillowcases over to me. And I get a whiff. GOD. WTF is that smell?!? I shit you not, it smells as though an old man went running and wiped his sweaty ass with our pillowcases. In fact, had I not been sitting in our bedroom this entire time, I sincerely would have suspected that’s just what happened. But no. THAT is what happens when you hang something outside to dry or air-out in China. How exactly is that healthy for us? Back home, I always used a dryer for my clothes but on the few occasions I did hang something outside, it never once smelled worse after washing and drying it than when it was in the dirty laundry pile in the first place. Here, dryers are expensive and although we can afford one, we have no room for it in our home. So I hang everything to dry but INSIDE. Because I KNOW how it smells when you hang something outside. When we first moved here, the first time I washed our sheets and blankets, I was treated to this horrible stench because I had nowhere else to hang these things but outside. And 4 years ago, we weren’t getting such bad smog in Qingdao. Now it’s even worse.

Of course, I made a big stink (pun absolutely intended) about the way our pillowcases now reeked. And I promptly put them back into the laundry basket. They’ve since been washed and have been drying happily inside our home. And just so you know, they still smell like Tide. Not like old man armpits, thankyouverymuch.

Saved From MIL!

Today, I got a get-out-of-eating-barf-free card. One of our Korean friends who we hadn't seen in a while called us up and invited us out to dinner. Hells yes!

Jeremy and our friend Mr. Woo. 
 
We met up at one of the few Chinese restaurants I actually love around here. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know I've kind of grown to hate Chinese food much thanks to MIL. This place makes such good food. Score!

The only downside was that it's August and it's fucking hot. And our car is in the shop for service so we had to take the bus. Which is not air conditioned. But it was only 2 stops away.

Still, nothing could save me from the sweaty yuckiness that August turns me into once I leave my house. Not even the A/C in the restaurant. Seoul felt the same way. She cried and cried and wouldn't nurse because she was so hot. Not until I switched seats with Jeremy who had a better position in relation to the air conditioning. Then all was well again and I could actually eat more than 1 bite of food. And drink my beer. Ah, cold beer on a hot day. It was bliss!

But the most blissful part of all was NO MIL! That is better than cold beer. It's better than a million dollars. It is priceless.

Our happy little family!

Just One More Thing!

 I have said it before and I'll say it again: I FUCKING HATE THE PEOPLE UPSTAIRS! HATE!

At about 8:25pm this evening, I finished reading to Raelynn. I tucked her into her bed and kissed her goodnight. Jeremy was watching TV, gently rocking a sleeping Seoul in her chair. We smiled happily at each other...our beautiful girls were sleeping now and it was time for us to unwind. Jeremy continued watching TV while I took over watching Seoul. I was about to sneak off for a shower when
RHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
DRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
Wap! Wap! Wap!
Wap! Wap! Wap!

Then, a terrified little shriek came through the baby monitor. Our precious Raelynn was scared, much thanks to the imbeciles upstairs using power tools and a hammer now JUST AFTER 8 FUCKING 30 IN THE EVENING.  Jeremy and I ran to comfort her and somehow, by the grace of God, Seoul still slept soundly. I took over trying to soothe a very distraught Raelynn while Jeremy stomped upstairs angrily.

Soon he was back and all was quiet. I got Raelynn to go back to sleep by telling her Daddy beat up the noisy people upstairs. Ok, so he didn't throttle them as I'd instructed but I truly wished he had punched them in the throat. That's what I would have done if I'd gone up there.

He told them that we'd put our 2 children to sleep and that it was too late to be making such noise. And you know what they told him? Oh but we just have this one more little thing to fix! They have said that for 2 months! They also told him they had no time during the day to fix this "one little thing" because they're at work. So sure, go ahead and disturb a family with sleeping children to make your fucking repairs. AGAIN! When you said 2 months ago you had "one little thing" to finish! Why the fuck aren't you done yet?!? And why oh why the fuck couldn't you do it at 6pm when we were all eating dinner? Why now?!? I know why...because people here fucking suck.

Baby A La Mode

Here's the story of how I dropped ice cream on poor baby Seoul's little head...

 Sadly, I don't have actual photos of an ice cream-topped baby so this photo of Seoul laying on her daddy's chest will have to do.

But first...
I must admit that as this Sunday started off, I was extra irritable. It was leftover from Saturday night when, inexplicably, our internet stopped working. And then started working. And then stopped. And started. And stopped again. You get the idea. We just replaced our router after having a bunch of connection issues and now we were back at square one again.

I should be happier though. Jeremy's already fed Raelynn and Seoul is peacefully chilling in her chair as I make us some eggs benedict. I realize though as I whip up the holladaise sauce that it's my last packet of it and it makes me sad. My mom sent that in one of her massive and supremely awesome care packages to us. As the supplies of these sublime American items begin to dwindle, I feel even more homesick than ever.

Somehow, I manage to get 2 children ready for church, along with myself. Meanwhile, Jeremy contacts the internet guy who's been so kind and helpful to us during our connection issues and he tells us he'll come out in the afternoon and replace the building's internet cable.

And somehow, my day begins to change into a better one. We arrive at church and I run into a friend who had her first baby a month before I had Seoul. I hadn't seen her in a while and got to see her cutie-pie son. But I couldn't go into the service. Raelynn didn't want me leaving her in the nursery. Seoul was fine anywhere. She didn't cry once. She lay in my lap, watching Raelynn and the other children play, had her milk boobies, made a poop and just chilled. She's cool like that. So Seoul and I just hung out with Raelynn until it was time to go.

And when it was time to go, we went to the house of a woman I'd never met before to pick up some baby items she was giving away before she moved away. Here in Qingdao, we have an email group called Qingdao Mamas where you can email all the other moms (and dads) about play groups, having stuff to sell or giveaway or looking for specific things to buy. People are always coming and going so it's a great resource when you're looking to stock up on children's books or things like that. This woman had sent out an email about free baby girl stuff - a Baby Bjorn carrier, a Baby Bumbo chair and an assortment of baby girl clothes.

Church services are held in the auditorium at the Intercontinental Hotel. This woman's apartment was just the next street over from the hotel. I couldn't believe how lovely it was there. We live in the north part of town. I've mentioned before that my first friend in Qingdao, Andrea, always said that where we lived was "the part of Qingdao that time forgot." It must be actually enjoyable to live in this city and live in a building like that, I think to myself as we walk up to it. The surrounding area is clean too, unlike our nasty neighborhood. But I try to be grateful for the home we do have as we don't have to pay rent here. We are able to save all the money that we make.

A place like the one we stood before now would cost a fortune. It was easy to see why. We ran into another person from church who happened to be going to the same place to pick up a treadmill. As we walked into this apartment, I was stunned. It was SO gorgeous. A chandelier hung over the dining room table and the whole place just looked so opulent, I felt like we'd wandered into the Shangri-La. The woman and her family were so nice that I felt sad for having to meet them and like them, for they were moving away to the Philippines. As she showed us the things she had for us, she also offered us some other miscellaneous things - all free - to take with us. A Strawberry Shortcake house, which Raelynn immediately latched onto once she was given the OK to do so. Wearable butterfly wings. Some children's books. Some talking laptop-like toy that has that "It's Learning Time" dog on it, only since they were from Australia, the voice on it had an Australian accent. And a small Christmas tree which was perfect because Jeremy and I had been talking about replacing our cheap, scrawny one with a better version.

Jeremy was stunned she would give away so many nice things. He tried to offer her money but she refused, saying people had given her things when she first came and she felt the best thing she could do would be to give things to others. It really humbled me that someone could be so generous and so friendly and yet live in an apartment like this that had a stunning view of the sea. No wonder she didn't want to leave Qingdao. If I lived in that place with that view, I'd never want to leave it either.

Somehow, we make it out to the car with both children (Seoul slept through all this) and all our new things, sweating like beasts as we do because it is August and I fucking HATE this month most of all here. Everyone is in a great mood now and as we drive along by the part of the sea that has no tourists (hence the part I love), enjoying the scenic views that make me like living in Qingdao, my husband suggests that we go to Silver Gardens, or as he calls it, "The American Supermarket."

It's a small little nook of a store at the bottom of an apartment building. You have to know about it or you'd never find it. When my friend Genesis lived here, she took me there. The lady that runs it is so nice and some of her prices are fair. But not all of them. Jeremy told me he'd buy anything I wanted so that I could make a meal that would make me happy. This was to make up for the other night when he invited his mom over. He still owes me a nice meal out somewhere but with Seoul this little and uncannily waking up every time I'm about to eat, it might be best if we wait to do that or else my nice meal might turn into takeout reheated by our microwave. But this indeed was a really nice way to make it up to me. For now. So we bought syrup for when I make pancakes, brownie mix, a can of black beans, flour tortillas (which is one of the items that she overcharges for at 40 rmb per package...when we were still able to shop at Metro, we could get them for 15 rmb per package), pesto sauce, Doritos, a can of A&W root beer, guacamole dip (another overcharge at 50 rmb for the jar but so worth it), and a few other random items.

I should mention the store was not air conditioned (of course not...oh China!) so we were beyond sweaty at this point, trying to hurry and buy things and get out before Seoul woke up screaming from the heat. That's why Jeremy must have decided buying us each an ice cream would be a great idea. It was a sweet idea, I'll say that. But because it was so fucking hot, we had to eat them very quickly. Raelynn has not yet mastered the art of eating ice cream quickly. We try to hurry to the car but I'm carrying a sleeping baby and melon ice cream on a stick while trying to coax Raelynn to 1) walk quickly and 2) eat the ice cream even more quickly.

Suddenly, as we approach the car, Raelynn starts freaking out because the ice cream is melting down her hand because she is the world's slowest eater. As I start to reach for her ice cream to help her, part of mine plops down onto Seoul's head. Yes, that's right. I dropped ice cream on my tiny baby's head. And she didn't scream for that. She only started screaming when Raelynn went nuts and I think she was just trying to say: "It's too fucking hot for this shit! Get in the fucking car! Gah!"

As the ice cream spilled onto Seoul's head, I couldn't help but laugh. And as I did, I sputtered melon ice cream like a broken sprinkler, somehow managing not to spray her in the process. Jeremy, who had raced to the car to put our bags in, had missed this spectacular sight.

Poor Seoul. Mommy's so sorry she dropped ice cream on you!

As for Raelynn, Jeremy went through about 15 wet wipes trying to clean her up before putting her in her car seat. I think that's the last time he'll give Raelynn ice cream while we're out unless we are sitting at a table in a restaurant with a bowl of ice cream.

And that was our Sunday, a la mode.

What Were You Thinking?!?

My husband is hanging his hypothetical tail between his legs this evening. Poor Jeremy...what's he done to incur Jennifer's wrath? He INVITED his mother over during dinner. Not to eat - she would never even try anything I cook (yet I am constantly being forced to eat her vomitous creations and expected to smile  about it) - but to "relieve your burden" while you cook your Friday night dinner. Say what?!?

See, we have an agreement. She comes Monday through Thursday to cook us dinner (if you can even call the slop she makes a proper meal such as dinner). And in the mornings during weekdays, she comes to pick up Raelynn and take her to the park so I can catch up on the sleep I missed while nursing Seoul half the night and enjoy a little bit of quiet before my chatterbox toddler returns. She's not supposed to come Friday nights or at all on any part of the weekend. Ever.

But Jeremy invited her tonight. He apologized, saying he felt he had to because she just wanted to help. Help what? Help me blow my fuse? Sure, have that old bag come on over and gabble on and on about dumb shit and make clicking noises at my precious baby while I cook dinner and resist the urge to stab her with the knives or bang the frying pan repeatedly upside her head.

And let's not kid ourselves that she'd be relieving my burden. She enhanced it. Raelynn threw a tantrum and instead of being useful and helpful during this time, she just sat there with the baby. The baby was sleeping. You could have put her in her crib or even her awesome new chair (which you better not break or I will totally break your face) but no. I know why you really came over, you manipulative cow. You didn't want to help me. You wanted to help yourself to holding the baby. You always do shit like this and I have to smile and pretend it's ok even though if I want nothing more than to tell you to go away. I have to be polite to make my husband happy. I have honored what my end of the agreement - to be polite and not scream at you (in any language). But I always find myself being taken advantage of because you push and manipulate your son and then he feels obligated to bend the rules for you. And now he realizes how much that sucks for me as I start crying while making him something truly delicious - chicken breasts stuffed with garlic herb cheese served with linguini and caper sauce - not the kind of crap you make that I wouldn't even serve to our family dog back home. He knows it's unfair and yet because you're "old" you play that card all the time. At least he has enough sense to make it up to me by taking me out to do something I want to do, taking over one of my Mommy chores, buying me something shiny or preventing you from putting us in this awkward position in the future. Hopefully he'll do all those things. In the meantime, I pray every single day that I will be able to move my little family of 4 far away from you.