Thursday, June 12, 2014

Someone Made Me Eat This

As I fall deeper into the 8th month of pregnancy, my husband thought it might be helpful to me to have his mother come cook for us. Every weekday. I'm not exactly thrilled about it but at least I have my weekends free of MIL. But I have to admit that while I'm still working, I'm getting too tired to give a fuck about putting together dinner after a long day of enduring whiny entitled kindergarten kids so it is rather helpful to have her around.

At the end of last month, I pondered the possibility of documenting her cooking catastrophes. It was in this post. And now, lucky you, you get to see some of the slop I've been served.

Shall we?
This fried bread thing. It's got some meat and veggie blend in it and it's not too horrible. Except that it's fried. And I swear there was a bit much salt in it for me. She said she wouldn't use salt on the foods she'd make for me but maybe she worries I won't like her food. Here's a clue MIL: I didn't like your food to begin with, so there.

Also, I must tell you how much I resent being served shit like this and told it's healthy when, quite clearly, it is not. I ate 2 small pieces to  be polite. Thankfully, she served steamed broccoli with it. Which she didn't oversalt.

When MIL cooks, every dinner of mine contains this murky soup mess. They call it xifan and it can be made many different ways. It basically consists of rice and beans boiled to mushy perfection. It's not disgusting as far as taste goes but it is very bland. And my husband and his family insist THIS is SO good for me! Someone punch me, please.

 This is from tonight's dinner. Here is what I walked up to when MIL told me dinner was ready. It is so hard to smile when you see this kind of crap greeting you at the table, but I did my best. Please note the obligatory bowl of xifan for my health on the right. Urgh.

 How would you like an unappetizing mound of meat for dinner? Mmm...NOT! MIL told me to wrap some bits of meat into the lettuce. I gave it a try, careful to avoid those nasty fatty pieces you see there. She used this Chinese spice on the beef that I haven't been able to stand since I've been pregnant. It has a licorice-like flavor to it. She didn't know this so I couldn't be angry. When she went back in the kitchen, I slipped the pieces of meat out of the lettuce and put them back into the dish.

This thing did not look promising. Does this look like something you'd want to eat? Sensing my trepidation, MIL informed me it was filled with tofu. I like tofu so I hoped for the best and gingerly took a bite. Not too bad. You know what it reminded me of though? The casing was very pasta-like and the texture of the tofu inside of it had a slightly ricotta-feel to it, making me think of lasagna without tomato sauce or cheese. So it wasn't awful. In fact it was very edible. But it made me want lasagna in the worst way. Because how can you beat something bubbling over with cheese? You just can't. And MIL never cooks with cheese. God help us if she does though. You know it would be improperly stored or molded and ready to cause diarrhea in the bowels of us all.

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