It's Just A Number...Right?

My birthday is next week. Can you guess how old I will be?

Go on, take a guess. Even Raelynn looks like she's trying to figure it out. Both photos are recent though in the top one with Raelynn, I'm not wearing any make-up. In the bottom, full-on make-up mode.

Ok, now I'll tell you. I'm turning 36. So for any of you that guessed 37 and over, I totally fucking hate you now. If you guessed 36 on the dot, I'm giving you the side-eye. And if you guessed under 36, I totally fucking love you.

Anyway, I've been kind of panicking on this birthday, which will cause my older brother to give ME the side-eye but I can't help the way I feel right now. It's compounded by the fact that we lost a very dear friend of ours, Jong Oh Kim, to a heart attack a couple weeks ago. It was sudden and he left behind a pregnant wife. On top of grieving for the loss, it shook me to the core because it made me wonder about my own mortality. I mean, none of us knows when we're going to go. Or how. Death is always something I have been terrified of. Maybe it's from losing my own mother at the age of 9 plus the bunches of other relatives and friends who have gone over the years. It must sound silly. I have my whole life (hopefully!) still ahead of me. I so want to live to be really old so I can harass young people and pretend I'm senile. Oh God. What if I truly go senile? You see? I keep panicking about shit I have no idea if it will happen or not. And even if it does, there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I become afraid of death when I think of all I want to accomplish still and worry it will stop me cold in my tracks. Jong Oh was excited to be a dad. I'm sure he didn't wake up and think he was going to die that day. I want to live to see Raelynn have children and grandchildren. I want to move our family to Hawaii and for us to finish our careers there and then retire there. I intensely grip the seat cushions in the taxi and pray for my life every time I go somewhere here. I don't want to go out like that. Or burn in a fire. Or fall to my death. Or have a medical situation, especially a long illness. Ack! I'm doing it AGAIN.

What really freaks me out is when I look at myself when I was younger. I just can't believe I'm getting closer to 40. It seems like I'm still in my late 20s/early 30s. I certainly FEEL like I'm still in that age bracket anyway. Somedays, I think I look as young as I feel still. Other days, I'm not so sure. You be the judge, won't you?

First, for comparison, here is me in my very early 20s:

If I remember correctly, I am 22 in this photo. That was my best friend, Tara, sitting on the stool. Looking at her makes me freak about untimely death too, since about 5 years ago, I (along with some mutual friends of ours) found out she'd passed away just 2 weeks before we'd begun looking to reconnect with her. Tara was wild, but she was a blast. Man, I miss her.

In the next 3 photos, I am between 28 and 31 in each of them. Do I look much older than I did when I was 22?

Ok, if you guessed I'm not sober in this photo, you're right on. Hey, I wasn't driving. I'd gone out for dinner and drinks with a group of friends. It was SO fun!

Here I am (far right) for my best friend Lauren's (she's in the cream dress next to me) wedding reception. She'd gotten married in Italy and then had a small little reception back in Florida. She got me hooked on mojitos. Damn you! I miss you Lauren! Man, I was so skinny then. I so have to lay off the chocolate and ice cream. And the chocolate ice cream. I have not gained any weight back that I've lost but I could look much better. I could look like THIS. I miss my pre-prego body. Sigh.

Can you believe I made that gorgeous box? Yup. I sure did. With my craft circle, which, before you think is about witches, let me just explain that it was a group of us gals who would get together monthly to drink wine, eat some snacks and make some crafts. I loved this so much I actually brought it with me when I left the states.

So there you have it. Photos from my past. Look at the top ones. I swear, I think I have less wrinkles now. I've been using this awesome stuff my husband got me that totally erases wrinkles. Do you think I look older now, younger now or like time has stood still?

Maybe I should take a page from my dad's book. He just turned 70 and looks awesome. He can't believe he's that age because he doesn't act like it. He takes care of himself and lives life to the fullest at the same time. I know what I have to do now. I have to enjoy my life and not be afraid every second that I could die because what kind of life is that?