Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Give An Inch

I mentioned in my last post how I had been so sick I'd had to stay home from work. And that my in-laws came over and were actually helpful. But just like everything with them, it's one step forward and 10 steps back. Come on! You KNEW this would happen. Their stupidity is as predictable as the sun rising and setting each day. You can set your watch to it.

So at stupid o'clock, here's what went down:
On Friday, I'd come home from work. Raelynn was asleep and MIL offered to watch her some more. As politely as I could, I told her no thank you and that I was just fine. She could go on home now. Oh, but wait, she tells me. She's going to make wontons for us to have for dinner. She's already got the fillings all made up and before I've even answered her she's making a mess in my kitchen. I know my husband will be angry if I tell her to shove her wontons up her ass, so I let her make them. There was no sense in letting them go to waste anyway.

The thing with my in-laws is that once you need their assistance, they think they can and SHOULD always help you. They don't understand that just because I might need you to help me on one day at a certain time that I do not need you every day at the same time (which, as you may have guessed, is half past stupid, of course). So over the weekend, Jeremy and I took Raelynn shoe shopping. I got some new shoes too and we all had a marvelous time shopping away. Shortly after we got home, the head troll herself called my husband and tried to finagle her way over. He told her if she was going to come over, to call him first because he was about to head out to a work meeting. My Chinese isn't very good but I can understand what people say. My husband knew that I'd understood that whole conversation completely from the scowl that had taken over my face. Why the fuck is she coming over here? It's the weekend. It is OUR time as a family. This is MY time with Raelynn. I nearly hit the roof. Thankfully, that bitch backed off and didn't come but honestly, I was a bit pissed with Jeremy (yes, you my dear) for not telling her no. Use those fucking testicles of yours and tell her NO. N. O. NO. She is not the boss of you. YOU are the boss of you. And if you let her be the boss of you, she will try to be the boss of me and I gotta tell you, that woman is going to lose that war.

The rest of the weekend passed without incident. It was a lovely 4-day weekend thanks to the Chinese Labor Day holiday. Today I went to work and came back home. MIL was sitting at our dining table, staring at the door, just like a dog with nothing better to do. Why she doesn't watch TV or read a book I will never know. I squash the urge to repeatedly thwack her in the head with my breast pump bag and instead smile and say hello in Chinese as best I can for someone who just hustled up 6 flights of stairs on the first hot day of the Spring. As I set down my things, just like on Friday, she says oh I'll watch the baby. I stab myself with my nails and swallow the scream that is about to blast from my lungs. Instead, I smile even bigger and tell her as kindly as I can that there is no need for her to be here and thank you so much but please go ahead and go. See you tomorrow! The smile is frozen on my face like it's carved into a block of ice at a bad wedding. Until she leaves and the door clicks shut behind her. Then it melts off into pools of angry. Quickly, I use this rage to fuel a vigorous kickboxing workout while Raelynn still naps.

But it's not long before Raelynn wails away, letting me know she's awake. I feed her and then hop into the playpen with her to play. And that's when I notice something is not quite right. There are crumbs in there. TONS of crumbs. And some larger pieces of stale bread in chunks that could cause Raelynn to choke. There are also dry tea leaves in there, another choking hazard. Like, WHAT THE FUCK?!? Seriously. I know I ask this all the time but what in the hell is wrong with this woman? Why is she eating in the playpen? Why is there TEA in the playpen?!?! Why is it so hard for her to clean up after herself? WHY WON'T MY HUSBAND JUST FIND SOMEONE WHO ISN'T A COMPLETE CATASTROPHE TO WATCH OUR DAUGHTER?!?

It's too bad that she doesn't take that fucking inch I gave her and take off running with it. Run far and fast, Old Yeller. Off to that glue factory. Just off somewhere so I don't have to deal with you. Yes, that's what you can do with those miles, MIL. And while we're at it, you know where you can shove your wontons too.

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