You Can't Take It With You

By now you probably know that we are moving to the US this summer. It sounds so far away, yet when you look at the calendar, you'll see that it's really about 9 weeks away. 9 WEEKS. Oh hells yes, I'm excited. I cannot wait to see my family and friends and enjoy all the things I've missed about America and to share it all with my husband and daughters.

But it comes with a big price, and we're not talking airfare here (which, as you may have guessed, is not cheap). We're talking about our things and how to get them to the US.

Originally, Jeremy and I had discussed shipping our favorite books, winter clothes and the children's toys through the mail. But when we recently sent gifts to my family, it became quite clear that if we had to ship a heavy box of books, the cost would be astronomical. Jeremy said we should just get rid of most of our stuff and start fresh. I know it makes the most sense. Especially since we sent 2 giant boxes of our stuff from Korea over here to China when we first moved. And what we found was that we really didn't use the stuff we sent. Well, my husband didn't. I'd shipped over my books. But shipping to China from Korea is MUCH cheaper than shipping from China to America. Plus, when we moved to China, we knew we were staying in one place for a bit. When we get to the US, we'll be staying with my parents for a short while until we get situated and get our own place. Which means if we move out of Florida, we'll need to ship whatever we've shipped from China again. And that, my friends, was the tipping point for me. Jeremy is 100% right. We can't take it with us.

We're still deciding on flights but we know we can have 6 checked bags and each bag has a weight limit of 23 kg. And so we must now decide what is important enough to go with us. And for what isn't, we must decide to sell, give away or throw away. This is not going to be easy.

This is going to be so hard! My books! My precious fucking books! Gah! My shoes! Oh my GOD! My shoes! Help! How do I choose? Clothes are easy. In 2 weeks, if I can't get into it, out it goes. Jeremy's made that decision easier by promising a shopping excursion when we get to the US. That's a good bonus. But still. My handbags. My Gucci! My Coach! Oh no no no. Those are coming with me.

I Can't Even...

I think I'll just sit in a permanent facepalm position. Remember my post from yesterday? Three separate idiotic airplane incidents here in China caused by stupid and/or selfish fucks. Well, add a fourth one to that, won't you?

This time, 2 female passengers got into a brawl over their seating arrangements. You can read the whole story here.

As for me, I fear that when we take our next trip down to Guangzhou for Jeremy's visa interview, which we will be scheduling soon, that some buttwipe will pull some crap like this and cause our flight to turn around. Or when we go to America.

So this is my message to you people of China: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF! SIT IN YOUR FUCKING SEATS! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SHITTY NOODLES!

Because let me tell you assholes something...if you do some fool shit like these other people did on a plane that I happen to be on, I will take a diaper full of my baby's shit and shove it in your fucking face. I think the other passengers on the plane will be happy to assist with this. So please, chill the fuck out and get your shit together.

For The Love Of...!!!

Dear China, we need to talk. There have been 3 separate incidents in as many days regarding some of your citizens aboard airplanes which leads me to believe that a severe outbreak of stupid is reaching epidemic levels in your country.

First, there was the flight from Bangkok, Thailand to Nanjing where 2 very selfish and moronic people engaged in an argument with a flight attendant and then threw steaming hot instant noodles onto said flight attendant. I believe I recall Xi Jinping imploring you folks to stop eating noodles whilst traveling. Which makes me insane for many reasons, but primarily because I cannot even fathom shelling out money for airfare and hotel in a new destination only to hide in my hotel room and eat some shitty convenience food instead of trying the food from another place. Something is wrong with you. Very wrong. Really.

Then, there was this selfish prick who wanted to get off the airplane faster so he opened the emergency exit, which in turn, deployed the emergency slide and caused the plane to be 2 hours late for take-off for its' next destination. Can I just ask you what kind of a moron do you have to be to not understand the words "EMERGENCY EXIT" printed in big red letters? It's in Chinese too for God's sake! It's just like the idiots who don't lock the doors to the airplane bathrooms on Chinese flights, even though it is in English AND Chinese. Hence, every single time I've had to use the bathroom when flying around China, I've walked in on someone using it because it says "VACANT" because the imbecile inside didn't lock it.

And today, I saw this one of some yokel who had never before been on a plane and of course did not listen to the safety instructions before take-off because he opened the emergency exit to get a breath of fresh air. At least this idiot opened the door over the wing so there was no emergency slide to deploy.

The level of stupid here is seriously astonishing. It deserves to be in the Guiness Book of World Records. "Most Stupid People Assembled in One Place at One Time." Congratulations, China. You're a winner!

I Do What I Want

Yesterday, when I posted about the people of China blatantly ignoring signage in their native language - such rebels - I totally forgot to include another photo my husband took of more rule-breakers. Forgiveness please.

 So, what did these people do?

I'm not sure you can tell from this photo but the car in front of ours, as well as the ones in the adjacent lane, has the right of way. See, the light is green. It's our turn to go. But we can't. Because the city buses as well as regular people driving their cars have blocked the intersection. Thanks assholes. This is such a common sight over here. In the US, those blocking the intersection would be ticketed. But over here? No one does shit. I always get so nervous when shit like this happens because I fear we'll be stuck in some epic traffic jam. Like that one that lasted 2 weeks in Beijing a few years ago. No, I'm not even joking. Seriously. Click here to read about that (or here to see a bunch of images of that insanity). It terrifies me to think of an emergency vehicle trying to get through.

People here just do what they want and that, coupled with a lack of enforcement of these laws, is what causes this to be, as Jeremy so adorably coined it, "a fall-behind country." He also uses "disorder" to describe things here quite a bit. It's rather fitting.

Fortunately for us, the buses and cars that were blocking the way finally moved up and, to our great relief, the vehicles behind them stayed put at their red light so we could take our turn on the green light. It's stuff like this that I will think about when we move to the US and we're sitting in traffic. I won't complain ever again about traffic in the US, even if it is rush hour in Miami. That is infinitely less atrocious than the chaotic disordered state of being that the roads of Qingdao so often exhibit.

Breaking All The Rules

As Christmas quickly approaches, Jeremy and I took the kids and headed to the mall this weekend. In America, I'd just say fuck it and order everything online because there is no way in hell I will set foot in a mall there after Thanksgiving all the way through around January 10th. But here, it's quite different at this time of year. Sure, there's Christmas crap everywhere. And Christmas music, much to my joy (and before you think I'm insane for that, please come join me for Chinese New Year and you will understand what annoying music being piped through a sound system truly is). But Christmas shoppers? Not really.

On a Sunday at around lunch time, the Marina City mall, which is usually busy even when it is not the holiday season, was very placid. I was thrilled. I'd wanted to go there because there's an H&M. I had no idea what to get Jeremy for Christmas except this shirt I'd seen him looking at the last time we were there a few weeks ago.

Can I just tell you how much I love H&M? It's true. I can always find something I like in there. Always. This time, as soon as we walked in, a sweater called to me. It did. It was so me, it wasn't even funny. I rush up to it and adore it some more. It's black and has a fluffy pink heart in the center. Oh I have to have it. HAVE TO. It's 149 rmb which isn't too bad. And they have it in my size. Oh please fit me. Please look nice on me. You have to! Jeremy loves it. He wants me to try it on. On the way to the fitting room, I find another gem. A Tiffany-blue sweatshirt with a horse silhouette on it. It's so soft and comfy. I dash off with one of those too. I hand the baby to Jeremy and try on clothes faster than Superman. Lucky for me, both items look awesome so I've just gained 2 very fab Christmas gifts. Sure, there's no surprise but at least my husband knows they fit and they are liked.

Now for him. We head to the men's section. There's a huge sale going on but the shirt he liked is not where it was before. I finally find it and discover it's 249 rmb. Jeremy doesn't want me to spend that kind of money on him for a shirt. But it's Christmas, I'd protested. I want him to have something he really likes. So he says he'll look at the sale items instead. And for about 300 rmb, we found him 2 dashing sweaters.

We were high on a shopping buzz. And to top it off, Raelynn had been such a good girl. We decided to buy her an ice cream from McDonald's to reward her. After that, as we were walking around, we saw some weird displays. I thought they were dinosaurs and wanted a closer look.

 Well, it's not a dinosaur but it is some sort of life-size creature from some movie. Which movie, I've no clue but there's some poster to the left that seems to be advertising it. Unfortunately, it's in Chinese. And my Chinese just happens to suck.

But you know what? Despite my sub-par Chinese skills, I will tell you this: I understand the sign posted with the creature there. That coupled with the roping tells me that you do not want me to get close to this display or touch it. So I don't. But the Chinese people around us? Oh, China...

 This little girl's mom told her to get inside with the creature. Great parenting. Let's ignore the sign that's posted which, Jeremy says, essentially translates to "do not touch or climb." Why is it that I suck at Chinese but yet I totally understand and obey the sign that I can't really read? Oh, and the man with the baby in the first picture? Just before Jeremy snapped that photo, he was putting his baby on top of the creature. We just didn't snap a photo quickly enough.

Yes, go ahead. Touch the display even though it says not to. Get inside the roping even though it is obvious you are not wanted within its' confines. Brilliant.

Strangeness Afoot

Last weekend, Jeremy had one of his weekly soccer games. I know it sounds nuts, but when he told me he'd be home around 2pm and he wasn't back yet, I felt like something was wrong. It's not far from our home and when he says he'll be done by a certain time, he always is. If he were to go somewhere afterward with his teammates, he would have called.

He comes in 30 minutes later, hobbling. He hurt himself again. Remember the last time? Except this time, he wasn't whiny. He was playing it off like it was fine. He had a business dinner to attend that night and he didn't want to gimp out on it, pardon the pun.

But this time, it seemed like he did much more than just sprain it. He hit his heel bone and detecting fractures there can be a bit more tricky. To be sure, an x-ray is needed. I tried my best to check him out, thinking of what my radiologist father would do. There was no swelling or bruising. He could rotate his ankle without pain. But if he tried to stand on the injured foot, he could not do it. I feared it was broken but told him that an x-ray would tell us for sure.

He went to the hospital alone, despite my pleadings to assist him. He didn't want me to be stuck in the unkempt hospital for an undetermined amount of time with Raelynn or Seoul. Lord knows that would have been a nightmare. So we waited at home for him to return.

After about 4 hours, he's back, with a plaster cast.

"So it is broken then?" I ask, feeling sorry for him.
"I don't know," he tells me.
"Um, but you have a cast on your foot. That generally means it's broken," I declare.
"No, they couldn't read the x-ray and then they wanted to charge me 300 yuan more to do some other scan and then..." and he keeps explaining but I'm stunned. I'm still stuck on the part where they couldn't read the x-ray. I say so and he agrees. "Well, that's why I got the plaster, because I need to stay off it anyway and if it is broken then I don't want to pay 300 more yuan AND get plaster on it. They're just trying to scam me by making me take more tests," he says. I completely agree.

In China, it's really very common for them to push useless tests, medicine or treatment onto you. I consider myself very lucky to have had Dr. Wang deliver both my children because she's one of the few competent doctors here. Too bad she isn't a radiologist. At the very beginning of my pregnancy with Seoul, I'd gone for a check-up on a day that Dr. Wang happened to have off. There was another doctor in there and we went ahead with the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech said the baby looked good and healthy. Here, they do not give you giant print-outs of your ultrasound like they do in the US. They print it very small on regular printer paper. So imagine our surprise when this doctor tells us, after briefly glancing at the tiny picture, that there's blood in my uterus and we need to buy this medicine for it.

She kept trying to bully us into it and scare us, but we're no fools. We didn't cave into her extortion and we did not ever, not even once, see her again after that throughout all our check-ups at the hospital. Thank goodness. I hope she was fired. We had briefly considered changing hospitals because of it but I wouldn't hear of having anyone but Dr. Wang deliver my 2nd child.

Anyway, back to Jeremy's foot. The most fascinating part of all of this was how they told him they couldn't read the x-ray. So I asked him to explain about that. And he said they told him it was too blurry. He'd need some other kind of a scan "to be sure." He was trying to tell me the name of the scan but he wasn't making sense. Sometimes, we get lost in translation. I'm thinking maybe he meant a CAT scan but whatever scan they wanted was definitely unnecessary. How is an x-ray too blurry? I've never heard of that before. Like ever. Perhaps this kind of bullshit works on the uneducated masses of China, but it doesn't work on my educated husband. Or his wife, the daughter of a radiologist.

So to avoid paying 300 rmb more to be told for sure if it was broken or not, he just got the cast. His thinking was that if it was broken, he's saved us 300 rmb because they'd just put a cast on it if it was. And if it's not, well, the cast will help him from putting pressure on it and causing him more pain.

The next day, we got some good news - it wasn't broken! The morons somehow figured out how to read the x-ray. I swear I'm not making this up. This kind of stuff could only happen in China. What infuriates me the most, I mean besides so-called medical professionals trying to fleece us for more money, is that they must do this to so many people who have no earthly idea what's what. And no one stops this. They just allow people who are supposed to care for the sick and injured to con them out of more money. What bastards.

Our story ends well - Jeremy got his cast off and his foot is feeling much better.

For Lord knows what reason, he brought home the cast after they cut his foot out of it. Maybe so I could blog about it.

Losing My Marbles

With a title like that, you probably think I'll be launching into my next tirade about MIL, but this one's about school. And it's really not that much of a rant. Just a bit of whining.

See, for the last few years, ever since I started this job, I used play money in my classroom. The idea was to use it to reward my students for good behavior and completing tasks and to punish them for breaking the rules. It also had the added benefit of teaching the children to keep track of their money and having them learn how to take pride in saving it. By the end of each school year, none of my children ever spoke Korean during lessons. And every single one of them could count all their money by themselves. Not one parent ever complained to me or the school about it.

Until this year.

When I came back from maternity leave, I'd found that my Korean teacher and kindergarten director, Christina, had told the substitute not to use my play money system. Long story short, I was told that now my class size was 16, down from 20, and that 2 of the students left because of my system. I highly doubted that was true and my Western boss, Patrick, had the same feeling. But he's a fair guy so he had me send home a letter to the parents asking them to rate the play money system and write any comments they had. Patrick said if it was only a few parents complaining, we could ignore it, but if not, we'd have to tweak the system a little bit.

Incidentally, I seriously call bullshit on any of those children leaving because of the play money system. One boy left to go to ISQ, the best and most expensive international school here. Two girls and a boy left to go to Chinese school instead which often happens when families plan to stay in China for a while, or if they are half Chinese. One girl left but I was never told the reason. Her English was outstanding and she was well-behaved so she'd won at the end of a couple of months for having more money than the others, so I doubt her mom would have complained about that. And the other child that left was that The Chihuahua and while we're all delighted he's not there, his parents didn't pull him out because of the play money system. By the way, I'm sure you're doing the math and saying that doesn't add up. True that I suck ass at math, my math is not off here. I had 2 new students when I returned, and thankfully, both of them are great kids.

So the letters went home and then they came back. Most of the comments were in Korean so we had them translated. Two comments were written in English and those parents rated my system well. They expressed that they liked the system for its' many benefits and felt it was important to use to help teach the children how to mind their manners, be responsible and keep track of money, among other things. I had a few others saying they also liked the play money system.

And then there were about as many negative comments. But the comments were absolutely ridiculous. I do believe people are entitled to their opinions but, when someone basically tells me "I think you should only use it to reward the children," or "it causes children to tattle" (newsflash - EVERYTHING causes children to tattle!) I think their opinions are stupid. If you dislike the system, so be it, but don't make up idiotic reasons to tear it down. The worst was someone complained their child never won and was always losing money. That was likely someone whose child broke our class rules and didn't do their work. But no, that's all MY fault, isn't it? Couldn't be your child's fault now, could it? They ran down the hall so just blame me because it's not like I don't have "No Running" posted in our classroom or I don't tell them not to run every time they get up from their desks. Nope.

This group of children and their parents are unlike any other group. Their level is the absolute lowest I've had. And it's no wonder - the parents don't hold their children accountable for their behavior and don't have them study anything outside of school. Once they go home, they're overindulged and watch things in Korean. They don't practice anything in English. Yet their parents expect a miracle. I have about 5 students that are doing awesomely because their parents actually push them to. One is Heathen who, as you may recall, has other issues but his English skills aren't one of them. He has a tutor 2 days a week and it shows. He's weird and annoying, but talking to him in English is a treat. Like today on the playground. I see him picking his nose. So I tell him, "Hey Heathen, don't pick your nose. That's gross." And freak that he is, turns to me and says, "But I like picking my nose." Lovely.

Anyway, we decide that we should just change the system and make it simpler because obviously this is too much thinking for these people to do. We change it to marbles. The moms send in clear plastic milk bottles and the school orders me marbles. I tweak my system a bit and send home an updated list of rules, along with a list of what will be rewarded with marbles and what behaviors will cause students to lose their marbles. Christina explains to the children in Korean after I tell them in English.

And the marble system is going great. It looks prettier too and I don't have to make tons of copies of paper money, cut it out, laminate it and cut it out again. Christina also made a sign for it because our Open Class is this week. Tomorrow, actually. And somehow, I'm not nervous, though ask me if that's still true tomorrow.

It looks nice, huh?

But wait...what's THAT? That sign, between the bottles...

"Caught...being good." Oh and yes, to my best friend Lauren who loves Overboard as much as I do, someone DID give their child the English name of Roy. It brings me great joy every day to picture Kurt Russell saying, "His name is Travis." Ahhhh.

In any event, while I did come up with "Shoot for Success" on the sign (Christina just helped make it pretty because she's awesome like that), I did not sign off on this little thing. Which she mounted on foam board and was all proud of. Oh. God. No.

She originally wanted to put it on the good sign, just to the right of "for" but I told her I didn't like it there. She was so proud of it I couldn't tell her I hated it. And she's one of my bosses so I can't just tell her that her idea is stupid. Oh Christina. I love you to pieces but noooooooooooooo. This is awful.

I relented and suggested putting it where you see it in the above photo. It was my hope that there, it's less noticeable. I know why she did it though.

Because of all these whiny give-my-kid-a-trophy-or-reward-for-everything parents. Christina was just trying to appeal to them. Sure, they get marbles for being good. But they lose marbles for being bad too. I get it. I truly do. But it doesn't mean it doesn't suck. I hate the way the future looks with these kinds of kids in charge of the world. That seriously scares me. And it should scare you too.

Life With 2 Kids Summed Up In One Very Accurate Scene

Do you have kids? If you answered no, do you WANT kids? Well, if you answered yes, I'd like to describe for you what you're in for when you have kids. Plural. As in more than one. Because handling one is cake. Add one more though and what I am about to describe will soon be your life too.

The scene:
The Intercontinental, a 5-star hotel by the Olympic Sailing Port here in Qingdao. It's a lovely hotel (though not as fabulous as the Shangri-La, in my opinion) and on Sundays, our church hosts services in the large auditorium on the 3rd floor, which I never get to sit in on because just adjacent is a room for infants and small children to play in. As you may have guessed, Raelynn NEVER wants me to leave this room. EVER. Even though she's at the point that she completely ignores me while I'm in there. Until I try to sneak out the door that is.

Church ends and everyone is milling about, talking. Jeremy and I speak to some people we know but decide to get a move on to the supermarket as Raelynn is getting crankier by the minute. How do I know this? Allow me to illustrate with our actual conversation.

Raelynn: I don't want to stand right here!
Me: Ok, let's stand over there.
Raelynn: No! I don't want to stand there!!!
Me: Ok, where do you want to go?
Raelynn: I want to stand here!!!!!
Me: Um, ok...

As we  get ready to depart, I ask her if she needs to use the bathroom.
Me: Raelynn, do you need to use the potty before we go?
Raelynn: No! I no use potty!
Me: Are you sure?
Raelynn: Yes, Mommy!
Me: You really don't have to make a pee pee?
Raelynn: No! No pee pee! Let's go!

So we go. We take the elevator down to the parking garage. We walk to our car. We get Raelynn all buckled into her seat. I get into the car with the baby (Jeremy STILL needs to get a car seat for her and please don't direct your bitchings at me that we STILL don't have one - direct them at Jeremy) and buckle up and that's when Raelynn says:
"Mommy, I need to make a pee pee."

Oh yes. NOW she needs to make a pee pee. When we are all in the car and my husband has lifted up the handbrake and is starting to shift into first and roll out of the parking space. Now, I must take Seoul, who is strapped to me and sound asleep in her carrier, along with Raelynn and me back into the hotel to use the bathroom before she pees on the car seat. I unbuckle Raelynn from her car seat and we walk all the way back into the hotel. We wait for the elevator. We take it to the lobby. We hit the bathroom closest to the elevators. Raelynn pees. I pee. Seoul cries because the sound of the flushing toilet startles her but then she falls back asleep. I wash my hands. Raelynn washes her hands. We dry our hands on paper towels and discard them. Then we wait for the elevator again. And take it down to the parking garage, where I buckle Raelynn back into her seat and get back into the vehicle again.

Yes, prepare yourselves, childless masses that want children. Because this will happen to you too. All the parents out there are laughing at this because THEY KNOW what this is all about. And you will too if you have children.

But it's not all frustration and chaos. Just some of it. Most of it, honestly, is filled with moments you cherish. Moments that make you feel so full of happiness that you could burst out rays of sunshine. And THOSE are the moments that you become a parent for. But you can't have those beautiful times without getting a few bits of shit thrown in for good measure. Remember The Facts of Life? You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and then you have the facts of life? Ah yes. What didn't we learn from 80s sitcoms?