Completely Clueless

When you know you're moving away from your moron in-laws, life seems rosier. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. And you tend to overlook some of the annoying things, reasoning with your brain that soon, very soon, you will be flying over 8,000 miles away from them. Of course, my in-laws seem to really want to help...help me go completely insane before we leave that is.

Today, I came home and discovered this...

Yes, that's part of a green bell pepper on our dish drying rack. Why? Lord knows what ever goes through the head troll's empty head except a constant swirl of sawdust.

As I took the baby back into our bedroom, I noticed something less amusing...amongst all the toys in there, there was an open box of Raid plug-in mosquito repellent discs. Really? Because she has absolutely nothing else to play with. Let's give her a freaking box of poison! I holler to MIL and ask her what the hell is up with this being in the crib and she of course blames her idiot husband. OF COURSE! Not that I doubt he's probably the culprit but if you see your nutsy husband giving the baby something unsafe like that, how about telling him NOT to do that? Or taking it away? No, this couldn't possibly occur to MIL because she has such an alarming lack of common sense it's frightening.

But soon I will have the last laugh. It turns out that maybe they don't know quite when we are moving away. Jeremy confessed that he simply told them we were leaving this summer. So that will be interesting. I told him not to tell them until the day we leave. Ha! Bye Felicia!

My Marvelous Mother's Day

Happy belated Mother's Day to all of my mommy readers out there! I hope you had a wonderful day! For me, I'm still getting used to the fact that I am a mom. This was my first Mother's Day as a mom of 2 kids though. Last year, I was very pregnant with Seoul as we went out for lunch at a nice Italian restaurant. Click here if you'd like to read what I wrote for last Mother's Day. It's got some great old photos!

Anyway, in regards to this Mother's Day, I just want to say that this is, so far, the best Mother's Day I've ever had. Feel free to outdo yourselves next year, Jeremy, Raelynn and Seoul!

What did they do to make me feel so special? Well, let me just tell you that they perfectly figured out what would make me happy.

It all started the night before when Jeremy declared he'd give Raelynn a bath and send her off to bed. And then he picked up the awesomeness again in the morning with Seoul waking at about 5:30am. She does this now, which is rather annoying since, during the work week, I don't need to be up until 5:55am. But she's just so cute. She can't help that she rises with the early-rising sun. So when she woke up, Jeremy took her to Raelynn's room so I could get some more sleep. 30 minutes later though, she was wailing for me. So everyone came back into our room and we had a lovely family snuggle. I really love those precious moments when Jeremy and I can cuddle up with our kids. We laugh and play and soon, Seoul is sleepy and ready for her morning nap. So I put her down for the nap and Seoul gives me her gifts - she falls right asleep and she STAYS asleep. For 2 whole blissful hours. And I get to nap right along with her. And Jeremy keeps Raelynn quiet and busy that entire time so I don't hear a peep. In fact, I sleep so soundly that I am astonished when Seoul wakes and I see how much time has elapsed. I'm amazed.

As if that wasn't a wonderful start to my day, my husband, I discover, is making me breakfast. He made some sort of eggy-crepe-like thing and stuffed it with homemade hash browns. Holy fuck was it delicious! Way to go, Jeremy!

On Sundays, we usually go to church but Jeremy wanted me to relax and not worry about rushing around. So I took my time getting ready to be taken out to lunch. I rummaged through my closet for something I didn't hate, did my hair and makeup and then dressed both my daughters in adorable clothes. We killed some time watching The Take Home Chef on TV and while we did, I had 2 glasses of wine without anyone pestering me. Ahhhhh. Bliss!

For lunch, my sweethearts took me to The Diner. It's a Western restaurant with several locations. Usually we go to the one in May 4th Square but fearing it would be crowded, we chose the location in the Taigu area, near The Canvas, just in case it too was crowded. That way, we'd have plenty of other choices within walking distance. I have always liked The Diner, but I also like The Canvas too. Jeremy has never liked The Canvas though and wasn't up for trying it unless The Diner was a zoo.

But it wasn't. The downstairs was packed but upstairs, there were plenty of open tables. As we sat down, I noticed on a board of specials "Artichoke Pizza." I took it as a sign. We were meant to be there. This was the right choice. See, one of my most favorite things ever in this world are artichokes. Of course, it makes sense that I would also adore it on pizza. So we ordered an artichoke pizza, an appetizer of beef nachos and a burger. Drinks were also buy one, get one. So I got mojitos.

When our nachos came, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven - there was guacamole on them. REAL guacamole! Probably tied with artichokes on my list of favorite things is avocados and guacamole. It was perfect. Soon our pizza and burger came out, and those too were so beyond amazingly delicious. We'd never been disappointed with The Diner on any visit ever, but on this visit, I swear it was the best it's ever been.

Seoul had been happily distracted with a crazy straw. But with food on the table, she wanted a taste too. She's still breastfeeding but we're of course giving her bits of this and that to taste and try. She's had bread and pizza crusts before. I shared some of that with her this time too but she seemed curious about the burger. None of her teeth have poked through yet so I thought the soft burger meat would be perfect. I'm happy to say Seoul is my little American girl. She gobbled up the burger. And potato wedges too!

After all this food, I was stuffed. But Jeremy insisted on ordering the chocolate lava cake for us with 3 spoons. And to make it even sweeter? He took Seoul and held her so I could enjoy the dessert without incident. God was it good!

At dinner time, I was still stuffed from lunch. Jeremy made us a light dinner and did all the dishes too. Yes, the whole day was just one fantastic thing after the next. Probably because my husband knows very well "happy wife, happy life." Thank you, Jeremy! Raelynn and Seoul too! You made me feel relaxed, refreshed, appreciated and so unbelievably happy. I love you all so much!

They Know

I thought I'd mentioned it in one of my recent posts but a quick glance through them tells me that I neglected to write about it after all. What is that crazy broad abroad talking about now? Why, I'm talking about how my husband didn't tell his parents when we were moving away. Yes, really.

Jeremy told them that he was issued a visa to the US. He told them we needed to be inside the US before the date on the visa. But he did not tell them WHEN that would be. Even after we booked and paid for the flight, he still didn't tell them. He was putting it off, trying to figure out when he'd say something. Surely, they had to have an inkling.

But this weekend, after packing up 2 of our suitcases (leaving me to wonder how the heck to fit the rest of our crap in the remaining 4 suitcases, but that's a story for another time...), we had nowhere to put those heavy badboys. We shoved them out of the center of the floor but it's quite obvious the process of moving has begun for us. So Jeremy manned up and told them when we're leaving.

And MIL seems cool with it. They will come live in this apartment when we're gone because all the appliances are better. And we have internet that we paid for already. We'll get them a new computer so we can Skype with them too. Most of all though, MIL insisted we sell the car. I told Jeremy we should sell the car but he said he wanted to leave it for his parents. Which pissed me off because THEY CAN'T DRIVE! After exhausting myself explaining about depreciation in regards to motor vehicles and how maintenance is still mega-important even when you don't drive a car for a long time, this lecture plus what his mom said got through to his man-brain and now we'll be selling the car.

I kind of feel sad about the car. It's been a member of our family. Even though I never drove it personally, it's been our little car for most of the time we've lived here. I will miss it. I mean, remember when Jeremy first started driving? If you don't, it's worth checking out here and here. He's come a long way from those days, back when his English name was "Lane" and he'd decided to change it to "Jeremy." Hahaha!

Anyway, now that the in-laws know exactly when we are leaving, I am sure they will constantly be in our faces even more so than they already are. Which will be even more annoying but at least I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and when I feel like I'm going to snap, I'll just remind myself that we'll be leaving in just under 2 months. And I won't have to deal with them for a good long while after that. Ahhhhh...splendid!

Bittersweet Celebration

Can you believe I've been at this blogging thing for 4 years now? Thank you all for reading and sharing!

What you might not realize though is that March 31st is a day that I always try to be happy. Because before I started this blog, it was my Mom's birthday. Mom died when I was 9 and in October, it will mark 30 years of her being gone. I can't believe she's been gone so long. Or I can't believe how old I am. Maybe a little of both.

Mom would have turned 7...wait. That's not right. I can't out her age on here. After all, when she passed away, I truly believed she was just 29. When I read her obituary in the newspaper, it said she was 42. I became very angry and told all the grieving adults around me that the paper got it wrong. "She wasn't 42! She was 29!" The only shred of humor shining through such a dark time. It was then that I learned it was ok for women to fib about their age after a certain point. I never thought of doing so myself. Until this year. In June, I turn 29 again. Just so you know.

Every single day of my life, she's been on my mind. Maybe not all day, but at points throughout my day. And of course, not all the thoughts I have about her are sad ones. I think of funny things too, like the time we were at a petting zoo and a goat tried to eat her long jean skirt. I can still hear her laughter in my brain, like the sweetest melody I ever heard. I think of how she once caught me eating all the brownies for breakfast because I'd woken up too early and didn't want to bother her. I wheeled one of our 70s-style kitchen table chairs on over to the counter, climbed on up and used a butter knife to slice off some brownie. But I couldn't resist and ate just about the whole entire tray before she found me. Instead of being angry, she laughed and made me a real breakfast.

I cling with every fiber of my being to the memories I have of her. I only had 9 years with her and like most people, I can't really recall much before age 4. They've all jumbled together over time, becoming fuzzier and fuzzier with every year. But I can't forget her kind nature or her spirit. Sometimes, as I watch my daughters sleeping, I think of her and how much she'd love them. How hard she'd laugh if she could see the videos I've made of them doing adorable things. What she'd want me to tell them as they grow up.

It's not fair she has to miss out on this. But maybe she's not. Maybe she's been here the whole time, watching over us, smiling as we smile. Laughing as we laugh. Maybe she's the reason I'm still here. She's certainly the reason I'm here at all.

Happy 29th Birthday, Mom!

This old photo, sent to me by my Cousin David, is so lovely to me. My dad still looks this handsome! Maybe he knows what restaurant we're in, but clearly, we're in one. Daddy is sitting with Mom and my Great Aunt Ann, who I also miss terribly.

The Morning After

Once the smoke settles from the fireworks that were lit to celebrate the official start of the Chinese New Year the night before, you pry yourself out of bed and dress nice. Then, you take your hungover self out to visit all your older relatives. You start with the oldest and work on down to the younger ones, bringing each a gift of some kind. If you haven't yet read about last year's old people visits, better go here to check it out.

Each year, we have brought beer. It's always well-received. Chinese people sure love their beer. I can't say I blame them. MIL of course had the dumbest present of all. Well, I thought it was dumb. She would of course pick the lamest thing to give someone - a giant box of eggs. Yes, chicken eggs. They sell them in these huge, red boxes around this time of year. I think because she's a boring old lady, she has to give out a gift as dull as she is. Maybe the recipients are happy to get eggs but I suspect the beer is a much more treasured gift.

We went to pick her up from her and FIL's house, just a few blocks away. Jeremy went upstairs to get her while I waited in the car with Raelynn and Seoul. FIL had to stay at their house to receive the visitors that would come for them. MIL's 2 boxes of eggs were almost as large as our 2 cases of beer. She wound up having to ride with them on her lap in the front seat. I stifled a chuckle as she struggled to figure out the seatbelt. She has this problem EVERY time she rides in the car and Jeremy has to help her. I didn't realize seatbelts were that complicated, but there you go.

Anyway, we went to MIL's older sister's house again.

She's the one in the light pink on the left. Notice I said pink. MIL is wearing bright pink and I forget how the one in the middle wearing actual red is related to everyone. Keeping Jeremy's relatives straight is very difficult!

This year, the smog situation was much better. You could actually enjoy the view from their 19th floor apartment.

 Hello, Qingdao!

Unlike last year, Raelynn is now happy to pose for photos with the relatives. Good girl!

I kept having to restrain Seoul from trying to grab at the coffee table. It's customary to put out little snacks of fruit, nuts and seeds. Additionally, you serve tea to your guests. It's kind of nice.

After about an hour and a half, we then packed up and ventured to MIL's older brother and his wife Jumu's house. But this year, there's an exciting twist...they moved! Yes way!

See, Jumu grew up in the Taidong part of Qingdao. I've mentioned it before as it's a great place to shop. According to Jeremy, Jumu missed the Taidong area and wanted to move back. Never mind that her dumpy apartment was just 15 minutes away. In any event, now they're renting a new place. I'm not sure what they've done with the old place, which they own. Maybe they are renting it but I cannot even fathom who would be stupid or crazy enough to rent that place out. Yuck!

So, I bet you're wondering how Jumu's new place looks? Of course you are! Come see!

I'll start with the most shocking of all - they have a nice, big bathroom! A real toilet that flushes! Amazing!

 And a real sink. No bucket underneath it to catch the water. That's real plumbing!

The entry behind me isn't too bad. So much better than what they had before. You could barely get in or our without smashing into the walls.

 I believe this is a new sofa. Or new coverings for it. It was much cleaner than in their old place.

And now, feast your eyes on this! It's that special alcohol with ginseng and opium! I asked to give it a try. Jumu and her husband were happy to pour me a glass. You know I had to try it. As they poured me a glass, Jeremy explained that there was a seahorse somewhere in there. I kid you not. Still, I had to give it a whirl. Seahorse, a bunch of weird Chinese herbs and things, and supposedly opium.

How did it taste? It wasn't as bad as I was expecting. It was just a bit spicy in the way alcohol can be. How about the opium? Well, after a few sips of this stuff, I felt really pleasant and happy. I have no idea if it was caused by the opium or if it was just the alcohol (or the seahorse! aren't they happy?). Jumu kept offering me food to eat with it since Asians tend to eat food and drink at the same time. They find it odd that Westerners don't always eat while they are drinking.

Jumu also offered me cigarettes! Ha! I don't want to smoke, thank you, and even if I did, I would never ever EVER do that anywhere near my children.

Jeremy chats with a cousin of his.

Now Jeremy gives me that I-know-you're-taking-photos-for-your-blog face. I think he's still upset about that haircut.

Raelynn plays with a sliding door to a room after ingesting more candies than we'd have liked. Everyone kept giving them to her. Sigh.

Here's MIL's brother and Jeremy's cousin sitting about, drinking tea.

This mug made me laugh because of how completely far off from the real definition of "coy" it is.

Shriveled testicles? That's what I thought when Jumu set this down in front of me. But it's something much more benign. It's dried figs!

Hello, dried figs. I am so glad you're not testicles!

Raelynn's face here says it all. Remember the bad cook lady? Well, now Jumu has stolen the title of worst cook from her. The bad cook lady is in 2nd place, and MIL is now 3rd. Jumu insisted on feeding us. I had declined repeatedly, saying I wasn't hungry. And this is precisely WHY I kept declining. I had a feeling the food would be gross. I was right. Jeremy ate a few dumplings to be polite, as did I. And some of the chicken. I would not touch anything else. It's just all so nasty. You know it's inedible when MIL won't eat it. It seriously was the worst food I ever had. To top it off, crazy ol' Jumu put coins in some of the dumplings for good luck so she said to be careful eating them. She says this after I put dumplings on Raelynn's plate. Thank goodness she hadn't started eating before I cut them all open. None of them contained coins, thankfully. That's the most bizarre custom I've ever heard of here. Then again, this is Jumu we're talking about.

Finally, we get to leave and when we do, Jeremy takes us to KFC. I happily snarf down a sandwich and fries, and share a hot fudge sundae with Raelynn. We take MIL back with an extra sandwich to give FIL. But now we're being forced to go upstairs....noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I don't want to go there! Gah! Not again!

At least Jeremy had fed me KFC first or I would have been completely stabby. Now he was handing me a beer while MIL was trotting off to make gross food. But nothing could ever top the grossness Jumu served up, and for that I was grateful.

It's some meat dish with those rubbery black mushrooms and some other weird vegetable, perhaps bamboo? It wasn't too terrible but after KFC, I did not want this.

 She served a xifan which she didn't offer me. She's learned I don't want to eat it. She's also served up tofu ribbons with bits of green vegetables in it...I think it was bok choy. This was so bland this time around. I hate when she makes something that looks good like this and tastes so blah.

 And then finally, we were able to go home. Seoul needed a nap, and so did Mommy.

Happy Year Of The Sheep!

Happy Chinese New Year! It's the year of the sheep, ram or goat, depending on who you ask. The Nanfang has a great article about that one, if you're interested in learning more. I'll just go with sheep since it's what my husband first told me and what he calls himself when asked about his birth year.

So how was our celebration? Well, to be honest, I think the food last year was much better. The food during last small CNY was also better.

But this year, we put out nuts, seeds and fruit as a snack. Which is very typically Chinese thing to do. Also, we began drinking before the real food came out. Scandalous! Jeremy's parents were not keen on drinking before the food. They think it's strange to drink without eating at the same time. Oh and I found one of our last beer mugs! I'd thought all of them were destroyed by the in-laws. One survived!

Slowly, MIL adds food to the table. We don't mind the slowness of it, since it's only about 4:30pm at this point. This is some cooked beef that they serve cold. It's cooked with Chinese spices that I don't even know how to explain but that other foreigners who've been here will go, "Oh yeah, THAT beef." It's not bad but I really can't stand to eat more than a few pieces of it. I also get annoyed with this dish. Because they serve it COLD. But if I try to drink a cold glass of water or milk, or eat a cold American dish, watchout! Because it will kill me, yo!

 Gah! It's that century egg with ginger on top. I do not eat this weird fermented egg thing. I can't. It makes me gag. Plenty of other people find it delicious though. If you're one of them then good for you. I skipped this.

 Meanwhile, my husband has forced me to turn the satellite channels off and put on the Chinese cable. Boo. But wait...this is interesting...some crazy lady with an ugly dress. Also, dig on the cutesy wootsy ram digital ram in the corner. That is SUCH an Asian thing to do. It makes me want to scream.

 Speaking of things that make me want to scream, see this dress. WTF?!? All I could think of was my friend Aaron Gordon and what he'd do if he saw it. Like always, he probably heard my laughter from here.

Ok, look, I don't mean to be a bitch or anything but if you're going to dress up in a gown that resembles an overfertilized flower market from hell, leave your glasses at home. Get contacts and put them in for this one event. Or just grope around blindly. It makes you look like Old Mother Hubbard bought herself a dress from the town dump.

 More ham. Because she probably bought a giant slab of it when she shopped for the stuff she made for small CNY.

 She made la pi at Jeremy's request this year. She made it so much better last year. Seriously. This was very blah. La pi is a potato noodle and vegetable dish. It's served cold with a garlicky, peanut sauce and also has bits of ham. She did a very half-assed job on this one.

 She slopped this on the table too. Garlic sauce for that ham. Sigh.

Cabbage and jellyfish salad. Very tasty!

Also, please notice Raelynn's little fingers snatching more ham. We moved it away from her because she gobbled up so many pieces. We wanted her to eat other food as well. But of course, FIL disobeyed our wishes causing her to disregard the things we say. Urgh...

 The table is filling up fast with food now! Here's a very ugly but tasty store-bought chicken. Also served cold. Also cooked with those odd Chinese spices. I miss American seasoning on things. I was happy the breast was there though. I like white meat. My in-laws think I'm strange for that. I think THEY are strange for many reasons of course, but because under that meat you see, there are chicken feet. Blah!

 Somebody took a nice long nap so Mommy could enjoy some food and many beers before doting on her. Thanks Seoul!

 Now we have some very jumbo jumbo shrimp. They were so good!

Seoul is trying to steal things off the table while Raelynn is making some sulky face. I'm not sure why...maybe because we took the ham away?

She made abalone but instead of making a soup like she did last year, she served them like this. I didn't find them very delicious this time.

 Raelynn busts out her busted demon bunny. This thing is so much worse than I thought. FIL put batteries in for her before the dinner. It squeaks but thankfully, not too loudly. And it hops around.

You can't tell from the photo but it has a broken leg. This is how he gave it to her, incidentally. she did not break its' leg! Oh and photobomb courtesy of Jeremy's foot.

This is a soup with scallops and cucumber slices on top of a steamed egg. It sounds and looks vile but it's incredibly tasty.

 You can see the egg better in this photo. What annoyed me though was when MIL brought this out, FIL took his chopstick, stuck it into the broth and put it in Seoul's mouth. I shouted at him about it and my husband said it wasn't nice to yell at people on the holiday. Look, I let a lot of things slide from those 2 morons but sorry, he needs to wear his ass as a hat for this. He could have made her very sick! She's only 7 months old. She can't have eggs yet. Or seafood! What an idiot! Even MIL yelled at him. I did not apologize. And I won't. I can't wait to move my children away from that dangerously stupid man. MIL is incompetent too but she frightens me much less than he does.

 Just some meh-dish with pork, that weird black mushroom thing and some leafy green that's like spinach but is not actually spinach. This was like what she'd make us any other day of the week.

 Here's the head troll holding the baby. She's wearing her green vest she wore the other day. This time, she's paired it with a pink shirt. Which pisses me right off. Not because it's pink but because Chinese people constantly refer to pink as red. It. Makes. Me. INSANE. Red is the color for CNY and to wear it is lucky. When people get married, red is a lucky color too. And then they cover sewer grates and ugly things by the newlyweds' home in PINK paper. Because. They. Think. Red. And. Pink. Are. The. Same. WTF China?!? Augh! Stop it, please. I lectured my husband about the difference between pink and red. He's got 2 daughters. He NEEDS to know there is a difference between these colors.

At this point in the meal, I felt the beer was making me very full. I wanted to maximize my drunk and salute my folks who were unable to come visit us this year. So I switched to baijiu, a very strong Chinese alcohol.

Cheers, Mom & Dad! It was like they were right there at the table with us. Sort of, anyway.

 Big steamed fish time! Meal is almost over now. Fish was fabulous as always. She has never messed this one up.

 Dumplings had come out at some point while I was in our bedroom putting Seoul to sleep. Despite all the loud pops and bangs that night, she slept very well. How were the dumplings? Not bad, but not her best either.

And now, I leave you with a couple photos from bad Chinese cable TV specials. May this CNY be prosperous and wonderful for you all!