Monday, January 20, 2014

Now That's More Like It!

So remember that old lady scarf from my husband's boss? Yeah. In a move that surprises no one, I decided, predictably, to give it to MIL. She'll wear the hell out of it and I'm sure pair it up with something completely foul, like plaid or paisley or another clashing flower pattern. It's just how she rolls. And when she does, I'll be waiting with camera in hand.

Today, when Jeremy arrived home from work, he had another gift for me from his boss. And this I will be keeping. Check it out...

I have no idea why I've received yet another gift from him. Maybe he realized at the dinner the other night that I'm 37, not 67. Whatever the case, this will be so much easier to accessorize my wardrobe with.

I spent today scrubbing our home up and down, inside out, after my in-laws visited yesterday. MIL made these horrible fish dumplings. Why can't she make them with the filling I like? I have told her 1,000,000 times which dumplings I like the best. So has Jeremy. But she threw this pureed fish crap together for us. At least she pureed it at her house this time so I'm not left with a disgusting ring of fish guts around the bottom of my blender. Still, I just couldn't eat it. She gave me one to try and scuttled back off into my kitchen. I took a bite and nearly gagged. I don't know if it is genuinely THAT disgusting or that being pregnant, I'm just turned off by the taste of it right now. Whatever it is, that shit had to get away from me and fast. My husband makes a good garbage disposal for these sorts of things, thankfully. I shoved the remainder of the dumpling into his mouth and promptly guzzled several glasses of tea.

My kitchen in particular felt sticky, stinky, greasy and just plain gross. Also, my husband bought enough fruit and vegetables to where I could possibly open my own little store in here. There are so many oranges, cucumbers, carrots, kiwis, bananas and mangoes around here, it's just nuts. Oh, and speaking of nuts, he also bought a big bag of walnuts and a big bag of almonds. He had all of these things on the counter because the fridge is stuffed to the max with even more fruits and vegetables, plus meats and leftovers, and ancient frightful things from MIL that have been in there for Lord knows how long but my husband insists he will eat them anyway. The whole thing was beginning to look like MIL's kitchen. GOD.

So I rummaged through our cabinets until I found a tray suitable enough to create this lovely fruit platter. Crafty, eh?

And I recommandeered our fruit basket to host our bananas.

Jeremy had just stuffed all his stupid snacks in there and it was so out of control. Can I blame him? I mean, look at his parents. He learned this from them. I can point fingers and be a bitch, which I totally do, but I also show by example. Now he's proclaiming me a genius, which I think is a little much but I'll enjoy the limelight.

As we stood there marveling at my handiwork, I sighed heavily and said that once school starts back up, my clean and orderly home will be filled with grease and dirt and smells of unknown origins. And that's when my husband said something that sounded like it should have been accompanied by angels singing:
"No, the house will stay clean like you leave it because Raelynn will go to school with you and my parents won't come over every day."

It made me so blissfully happy, you can't even imagine. No more will I put on the rubber gloves to wash my dishes and discover that some fatheaded bison has somehow managed to get water into them AGAIN. No more will I come home to find pieces of fucking luo bo randomly spread around my kitchen and other parts of my house. No more will I have to carefully unstack Mt. Dishmore. No more will I come home to find things broken with no replacement or even a fucking simple apology (seriously, how hard is it for them to say "duibuqi" to me? Yeesh!).

Of course, all this depends on my sweet Raelynn, who must be able to use the potty before she can come to school with me. She has been doing great with pee. But today, she made so many poops in her pants when she was right next to the potty. What gives? Come on, kid! Don't you want to go on the slide every day? This kid loves slides more than any other kid, I'm pretty sure. So we're working on that, and with any luck, we'll soon be in-law-free! At least on a daily basis.

How lovely it will be to come home to a clean house, just the way I left it!

Oh. Wait. I'm forgetting something. The baby! Oh no! Baby Qu #2 will be born in mid-July. OH GOD! That yokel will be in my face for a fucking month just like she was when Raelynn was born, won't she? Ruining my maternity leave. And trying to force me to eat her nasty cooking. AND putting her germy hands all over the baby. Maybe it will work to my advantage and between breastfeeding and starving from not being able to ingest the vomitous offerings she prepares, I'll be pre-baby weight again before I know it. But my poor baby! Oh no! Once I go back to work, that poor sweet angel baby will be stuck with Dumb and Dumber while Raelynn and I go to school. And then I'm sure when we get home, those idiots will hang around so they can see Raelynn. EVERYFUCKINGDAY. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

NO! It's not fair! I was almost rid of her. It was going to be so lovely and now, poof! My dreams of happiness and peace are gone. I'm going to cry into a bar of chocolate now and pray that my husband sets some limits with them so I can still enjoy some semblance of peace. Or as much peace as one gets when they have an infant and a toddler to look after at least.

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