Friday, November 1, 2013

Splitsville: Population - My Pants

Today began as any work day usually does. I got dressed, ate breakfast and hauled ass downstairs. I hop into the awaiting taxi and greet Hu Shufu with the usual small talk and as I do, I hear a noise. It sounds like chips being crushed but I scoot over and look at my seat and see nothing. We arrive at school and say goodbye. Up the mighty steps I climb and disappear inside. Somehow, I'm the first one there. I do the usual mundane things I always do here too. Unpack my snacks from my bag. And my green tea. Put my sunglasses away. Turn on my laptop. I also take off my coat. I'd worn my heavy coat today which is longer than my lighter-weight black jacket. The weather is happily turning frigid now and the other day, I was so cold I couldn't stand it. I had wished I'd worn the heavier coat.

Perhaps I overdressed for today as it was a little warmer than yesterday. I'd worn a tank top under a large multicolored sweater with a pair of gray jeans. I always liked these jeans because I bought them in Korea. They had hearts on the back pockets. They were also fitting me so nicely now that I've dropped some more weight. The sweater is pretty warm, especially with a tank under it so I guess the heavy jacket was overkill.

But it wound up saving my ass.
Quite literally.

In our kindergarten office, all was quiet and peaceful. I think all of us teachers really love that time of the morning, an hour and a half before our kids arrive. At least I do. Anyway, I was using the sink in there and my Korean teacher, Christina, asks me what that is. "What?" I say, dazedly, not yet feeling the effects of the caffeine I've just consumed. Christina, challenged by English comes up to me and seems to check something and says, "Oh! Jennifer! Your pants!" I stare at her, alarmed. Is there a big bug on my pants? I rule that out immediately. She'd be screaming if that were true. She continues to elaborate, gesturing as she does. "Your pants! Your pants! Broken!" She shouts out "broken" with triumph. Not that she's happy about giving me this information, but more like she's happy she's figured out a word to use that will make sense to me too. Immediately, I twirl around to see in the mirror over the sink.

Oh. God. Nooooooooooooo.
My pants are completely split on the ass.
Just fucking lovely.

With no way to go home and nothing to change into, I have no choice but to keep my heavy coat on ALL DAY to cover up my bum. I try to be somewhat grateful as it could have been so much worse. How, you ask? Well, it could have ripped DURING one of my classes and my students would have been impossible to control after that. Still, as the sun warmed up the day, I felt soooooooooo hot and miserable. My only reprieve was when I could sit down in my office and take my coat off at my desk.

It's funny because, and I totally am not shitting you about this either, 10 years ago, something very similar occurred.

I was working my old ad job. I put on these pants that my friend Aaron and I had called "space pants" because they were made from this weird material. Being in Florida, it was a bit warm in these things, but a bunch of us were going out to a happy hour afterward, and I wanted to look hot to attract a guy I liked. While taking a break with my friend, Laura, she noticed that my space pants had ripped on my ass. Discretely, she tells me and we laugh as she walks along with me, trying to help me keep my ass under wraps. I shimmy along the walls until I reach my desk again, where I had the embarrassing conversation with my boss (a guy) about the situation and asked if I could please go home to change (permission: granted).

Wow. That's fucking trippy, isn't it? History DOES repeat itself after all!

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