Things I Can't Unsee

Less than 2 weeks before we move and things are getting INSANE around here. I just realized it's been about 10 days since my last post and I have inadvertently kept you all waiting about my reader poll. I just want to thank those of you that contacted me with your votes and other suggestions. You rock! I will debut the new blog with a new name once I'm back in America. For now, you'll just have to wait and see what I've decided as I'm busy packing and looking for jobs online but I had to take a break to tell you all about this.

Have you ever seen something and then promptly wished you could rip out your eyes, burn them and replace them with new eyes in hopes that the image you just saw will be washed from your memory? Or perhaps you go share it with someone because nothing helps more than spreading some grossness around, amirite? Of course I am! So enter, if you dare, into my Hall of Things You Can't Unsee!

Now, because we're leaving so soon, I'm stuck with my in-laws constantly in my face. I've never been so relieved to go to work each day so that I don't have to be trapped with them. But on weekends, which normally should be my quiet and peaceful time with Jeremy and the children, my chimp-like in-laws come trampling over at 8am to make us food I don't want to eat and let Raelynn act like a brat. I'm trying not to let it aggravate me too much since we'll be on our way to America hopefully before I completely lose my mind. Though sometimes, they make things even more difficult for me to refrain from flipping out.

Like when my FIL came over on Saturday and then proceeded to grab MY Miami Dolphins cup that I ALWAYS use off the table and drink MY green tea from it. Yes, really. I had to resist the urge to vomit. Has he done this before? Oh. My. God. Please tell me this is the first time he's drank from my drink. "Zhe shi wo de," I say, trying not to sound so shrill but I am straining so hard not to scream it truly hurts me. "Oh oh, wo zhe dao," he replies "I know" to my "that's mine." I hurry to the kitchen to make him his very own teapot full of tea and bring it to him, with a glass for him to use. While he's distracted with that, I go to disinfect my glass and make myself fresh, non-FIL-contaminated tea.

MIL of course is busy wrecking my kitchen which I gave up on about a month ago. I have no time to clean up after that woman anymore. She's taking over this dump and it's just easier to let Jeremy exhaust himself picking up after her. I wonder how he will react when he sees my parents' open-plan kitchen. Even simple things like a garbage disposal will likely entertain him. Me too, because over here, we've got sink traps. They're essentially metal cups with small holes in them to strain out the water. When you wash your dishes, any bits of food get collected into the sink traps. When they fill up, you just empty the traps into the garbage and all is well and good again. Of course, any sane person would use plastic dish washing gloves for this task. But MIL being MIL gives me such a treat as I walk into the kitchen. I watch in helpless horror as she sticks her BARE HANDS into the sink trap, digs out the clumps of food and tosses it into the garbage. Then, to make it even more disgusting, she rinses her hands ever-so-briefly with cold water and dries them on the dirty rag she uses to wipe down everything, and continues cooking. God. Help. Me.

I try to explain to Jeremy who is also disturbed by this but pats my leg reassuringly and reminds me that this is why he doesn't like to go out to Chinese restaurants because the old people that work there do stuff like this too. I'm not sure how this is supposed to make me feel any better.

After the meal, which I haven't eaten much of, I go put Seoul down for a nap. As I rock her to sleep in my lap, I stare off into the fish tank in front of me. I'm humming a Pink Floyd song and zoning out on the fish as they swim around, thinking about all the tasks before me: packing, finding work, where to live, enroll Raelynn in school, pediatrician, driver's license renewal...and as it all swirls around in my brain like a cyclone, Seoul drifts off to sleep. Ah, now that's a nice sight. A sleeping baby. I smile and then I make the mistake of looking up at the fish. And that's when I see one fish swim up to the butt of another one and eat poop right out of it. GOD NO.

So yeah. I told you so! But hey, I'll help you cleanse your eyes by leaving you with this very darling picture of our sweet Seoul, who will be turning one shortly after we arrive in the US. My how it's flown! Yay Seoul! We love you!

No More Oven Lovin'

 Just so you know, this is NOT our oven. But ours is a toaster oven because in China, it's rare to have a normal-sized oven like we're used to in the US. To look at ours, you couldn't tell it's no longer working so I randomly selected this gem from a Google search.

Thank GOD we are moving soon. Because MIL broke our oven. Seriously. How does one do such a thing? I've no idea. And I suspect she'd have played dumb and denied it if she hadn't been using it to roast some ribs (which Jeremy taught her how to make so they're really good). Somehow, it broke while she was cooking them and she had to use that crazy barbecue setting on the microwave to finish them off. How is it she manages to kill, maim or ruin everything in our home? I have used this oven for the last few years with no problems. And now she starts using it to make her rib things and she breaks it. When this woman visits us in the US, I will not allow her to use my kitchen. NO.

In addition to killing appliances in our home, she simply has to do all she can to kill my good mood. So she stands there in the living room when I come home from work while I'm turning on the satellite TV. It's so quiet in our home that I can't stand it. I've never been the type to endure this kind of silence, even in my younger years. I need sound. But you know what sound I DON'T need? Her (or anyone for that matter) making that sucking noise people make when they have something in between their teeth. AUGH! Can we just make it a universal law that if someone does that in your presence that you can punch them in the throat, free and clear? Let's make that happen!

MIL The Murderer!

As you know in the ongoing saga that is my life, MIL has been around this week, helping me out with the kids while I'm recovering from bronchitis. The kids were sick too but now everyone is better. And I'm trying to appreciate the convenience of having someone around to assist me. It IS nice not to have to cook anything right now and as the dust settles from the insanity that was the hell of having 2 sick kids at once, it's nice that I can get some work done on this blog because the small one has started teething and Lord knows if I will be able to ever use my computer again after she goes to sleep at night. Help.

Anyway, rewind a few days to when I was really sick as a dog to the point I could barely get out of bed. Both my in-laws were here. FIL was busy keeping the children entertained and MIL was cooking. I went to get some more water and that's when I noticed there was smoke.

I gesture wildly at her. It's coming from the microwave. What in the world is she making in there? She smiles and waves, like this is a common thing for microwaves to do, burst into flames. So I just close the door to the kitchen. And tell FIL. And then I take Seoul, who had a bad cough, into our bedroom, shut the door and open the windows. Because we do NOT need to be breathing in smoke. Ugh!

So what in the world was MIL doing to the microwave? Well, she broke it. Of course she did. Are you surprised? I'm just surprised it didn't happen sooner. But I'm not angry. How can I be? That microwave was old. You can see it in this photo...

They went out and bought us a new one, so I couldn't be mad if I tried, especially after hearing just how MIL killed that old microwave.

See, Chinese people love meat on a stick. She was trying to make chicken on a stick for us for lunch. Before you think this is bizarre, there is a barbecue function on many microwaves here. So MIL was using the barbecue function on the old microwave. I don't know if she ever used it before (we certainly hadn't) but the microwave was like HELL NO and just began smoking.

The new one is much more fashionable though it looks a bit like an oven, no?

I wonder how long before one of them gets this thing smoking...stay tuned!

The Good Stuff

I always liked Chinese food growing up. When we went to our favorite Chinese restaurant, which was a place right around the corner called Jade Garden, I was always delighted. I loved the shrimp with lobster sauce. If you ask my brother and my dad, they'll have slightly less found memories because I didn't want to share my shrimp with anyone. If they tried to take a shrimp from my plate, I cried. Sounds like Raelynn, huh? Anyway, I still get teased about this. Except when they come visit me IN China because at least here in Qingdao, there is no shrimp with lobster sauce.

Yes, Chinese food in America is quite Americanized. But that doesn't mean that all of it is made up to pander to our American palates.

You might think based on my Someone Made Me Eat This posts that I dislike authentic Chinese food. True that I grow weary of it if I have to eat it daily, I truly like Chinese food. When it's prepared properly. And we've seen how MIL prepares it. Jeremy laughs every time I tell him his mother makes me hate Chinese food. And he also smiles big when I tell him he makes me fall back in love with it.

My husband knows a thing or two about flavors. Plus he's lived abroad in Korea before and he's eaten food from other countries. So when he cooks, he really makes things taste good. I wish he'd show his mom how to cook.

Sure, she makes some things good. Her dumplings are pretty good, especially the ones she makes with leeks and pork. But I hate that she uses the flour that she uses. It makes everything taste very gummy and glutenousy. Jeremy once didn't understand my complaint about the flour. Why couldn't I use it to make pie crust or bread or all the other stuff I wanted to make with it? Why did he need to buy more flour when we had a giant sack of it? Now he knows better. But she still doesn't. She insists the flour she buys is the best. Of course she does.

On weekends, we like to go out for a meal. We're mostly saving our money for America, but we can afford to eat out somewhere at least once a week. Places that serve Western food are usually much more expensive so unless it's a special occasion or I'm dying for something I can't make at home, we usually go out for Chinese food.

Even though MIL cooks for us 4 days a week, I really don't mind going out for Chinese on a Sunday afternoon. Because we always go somewhere good. Like the Sichuan place.

That's what I call it. There are tons of Sichuan restaurants here. This one is close to Minjiang Road. It's always got gobs of people in it. My friend Jon and his wife introduced it to us and we keep going back because it's really quite good. They've got lots of spicy things, which is why we're thinking of taking my parents there when they visit in February, if it's still open during the Chinese New Year that is. If I want to eat there, I just tell my husband "The Sichuan Place" and he knows what I want.

Sometimes, I simply request barbecue. Chinese barbecue is so popular in Qingdao. There are lots of good places. I just let Jeremy use his expertise as most of them can be dirty. And by that, I don't mean the floors (most places in China have dirty floors) but the food. My husband says that many barbecue places will use rotting meat or lie about where the meat came from. He looks for places where you can see the kitchen and where it's very crowded. We're currently trying to decide which place will be open during the Chinese New Year because squid on a stick and beer will make my dad the happiest daddy ever.

But my favorite of the casual Chinese places in Qingdao is without a doubt the one I call "Ugly But Delicious." This place rules.

Excuse the craptacular photo. I was sitting in the car with the children while my husband ran in to get an order of dumplings on our way home from church the other day. I'll get to those in a moment.

This place is called Jiaozi Guan, which Jeremy says basically means "House of Dumplings." It has other stuff too. It's a hole in the wall, as my folks would call it, but if we have a chance, we'd love to take them here. The decor is blah and the floors are often scary but the food is served up by a chef that's quite famous in Qingdao. I admit, the first time my husband took us here, I was very skeptical. Then I took a bite of the food. Since then, I often request we eat at this place.

They have pepper steak, which you'll find in Chinese restaurants in America and it is SO good. The Sichuan Place I mentioned before also has that dish but this place does it much better, much cheaper and gives you a larger portion too.

Because of MIL, I feel kind of blah about dumplings now. Unless we get them from here. Especially if they are filled with cucumber and egg. I know, I know. That sounds barfy but let me just tell you how fanfreakingtastic those are. I am entirely serious when I say they are the best dumplings I've ever had.

Unlike MIL, they use a good flour and they focus on the filling, not the wrapping. When Jeremy told his mother how wonderful these dumplings are and how we like that the casing is so light and not too thick she told him that they were being cheap for not using enough flour. I'm not joking. I laughed so hard I cried. Even Jeremy laughed. God, she's hilarious, right? Yes, that's it. Because flour is so expensive. NOT! MIL flies through flour and oil like the world is coming to an end and she needs to use it all in one night.

Anyway, if you're in Qingdao and reading this, Jiaozi Guan is on Jiangxi Road. Take a Chinese person with you if you cannot read or speak Chinese as the menu is completely in Chinese with no photos. It's worth it though, I promise. Amazing food, and great prices too.

Oh, there is one more thing I've found to love about food here in China. And that's these little snack sandwiches. We had them at a barbecue place not too long ago and I fell in love with them. While out shopping in Taidong the other day, Jeremy saw a place selling them and picked us up some to try. He watched as they were prepared, mentally taking notes so he could try to make them for us at home. The ones he bought us were really delicious. That night, Jeremy made us some more.

 Here's Jeremy's Chinese sandwich after a few bites. Very tasty!

 My husband, the sandwich model.

Mmm...mmm...mmm! That's one tasty sandwich! It's slow-cooked pork chopped up with onions and peppers. Only we didn't have onions and peppers so he left that out this time. It was still good though, but I am looking forward to his next batch. Thanks for helping me enjoy Chinese food again, Honey! I love you!

Mooseknuckle, Anyone?

Who's hungry? Well, if you are right now, you certainly won't be when you take a look at this creation by MIL.

 Dear Lord! What IS that mess? It looks like she melted a whole entire yak into that pot. Thankfully, I didn't have to eat it. She knows better now that I will not eat unrefrigerated creature. She left this out on our stove. Shame on my husband for allowing that too, but he likes eating boiled mooseknuckles or whatever the hell this is, even if it's been sitting out on the counter overnight. Or for days. And according to my other friends with Chinese spouses, this is a very typical thing Chinese people do - the whole leaving the food out thing. It totally freaks me out.

Also, loooooooooooove the wonky dumplings she probably left out all day long with this decomposing carcass. On a plate. In a plastic bag. Because Qingdao people love their plastic bags. Ugh.

Blargh! I should totally print this photo out and tape it to the cabinet where all my candy bars from my mom are. That will keep me from snarfing them all down at once. Actually, that will keep me from eating anything again. Ever. This looks like a cauldron of death, doesn't it? It's like she goes out of her way to make her food extra gross.

Despite this disgusting mess in my kitchen, I was at least able to make a normal dinner tonight. I waited until Seoul fell asleep before I began cooking and MIL kept pestering me that she wanted to hold the baby. MIL, you were with Seoul all day. I get only about 2 hours - if that - of her being awake when I get home and I'm NOT giving her to you for that time. Dinner will wait until she sleeps. No one will starve if we have dinner at 6:30pm instead of 5:30pm. In addition to nagging me every 5 minutes about getting to hold the baby, she kept singing stupid Chinese songs. SHUT UP! No one wants to hear you sing, especially not me. I gave her the death stare and she put a lid on it. Thankfully she left soon after that. Of course, when Jeremy got home, he served himself up a side of yeti soup here to go with my offerings of cheesy pasta, tofu salad and roasted cabbage. I had to look the other way while he ate it so I could try to ingest some of the meal I'd prepared.

MIL - ruining food by cooking it her way since at least 1950.

Oh Come On!!!

While Seoul was napping, I managed to get a few moments in of cleaning before Raelynn came back from the park with her grandparents. I just kind of went around the house sporadically. It wasn't my intention...it's just that I seriously became distracted. I threw in a load of laundry and then attempted to get the dusting done. And then I would see something else and stop doing what I was doing until I effectively did little bits around our whole apartment.

One of those little things was to organize a shelf in Raelynn's room that had all her hair stuff on it. See, every morning when MIL picks her up, she puts Raelynn's hair into a ponytail. And then she puts 2 barrettes in to keep her hair from coming loose and getting into her face. But she picks the same barrettes EVERY day. Whether they match or not. Even though there are about 30 different barrettes she could choose. So I thought I'd tidy up the area and put all big bows and clips in one container; hair ties in another container; and barrettes in yet another container.

So as I was doing that, I could now see the rest of the shelf. Because as you know, MIL has to knock everything over and spill it and of course not clean it up. Once I put all the items in containers, I then discovered this:

I knew MIL did it as soon as I saw it. I brought it to Jeremy though and asked him if he did it. Because if I outright blame her, he'll get defensive. No, he tells me, it wasn't him. He asked me if I thought Raelynn did it. While I'll concede that's a possibility as she's broken plenty herself, Raelynn NEVER puts a broken item back where it belongs. She leaves it out in the middle of everything. Or shoves it behind the couch. She has never once put a broken thing back in its' place. So I tell him this and I tell him I think his mom did it because she's the one who does Raelynn's hair in the mornings and instead of using the brush on her hair, MIL and her pea-brain always use the comb. Because of course!

Now, I know what you're thinking. But Jenn! It's just a fucking cheap-ass comb. Get over it! Oh sweethearts, please. I don't care about the comb. It's the principle of the whole thing. She breaks the comb and then puts it back on the shelf. Who could use this thing now? THROW IT OUT! Tell us you broke the comb. We have other combs. But no. She just puts it back on the shelf like nothing's the matter. She never says sorry when she breaks things either. Remember when she broke my 2 favorite mugs?!? And all the other shit she's broken. Like the Baby Bjorn chair! Not one sorry out of her. It's not in their culture which makes me angrier every time I hear that. You know why? Because I try very hard to incorporate some of the Chinese culture in my life. I'm not always successful but I do try because I want to make my husband happy and I want my daughters to embrace the Chinese part of their heritage as much as their American part.Why is it so hard for her to say "sorry" then? She could say it in Chinese and I'd understand just fine.

And honestly, if this comb was the only thing she had ever broken in our home, I wouldn't even give a shit. It's the culmination of broken things that have been put back broken over these last few years that just make me want to scream like a banshee before punching her in the throat as I tell her "OH COME ON!!!!! JUST FUCKING SAY YOU'RE SORRY! GAH!!!!" But my husband wouldn't be keen on that so all I can do is give her a dirty look and pray even harder that we can move home very soon. Oh and of course, use a different comb.

MIL The Comedian

Today, MIL showed me that she can actually be funny. Only problem is I don't think she was trying to be.

A friend of my husband's is in the coat business. He gave us a couple coats to try out. One is black and is probably for a man but it doesn't look too manly. It doesn't look overly feminine either. Very neutral. The other is definitely for a woman. It's white and cinches at the waist. It's really cute. Problem is that it's in a size for a typical Asian women, meaning my boobs do not at all fit inside this thing.

It looks like if this coat

And this coat

Had a coat-baby.

Now that we've established what this coat looks like, let me tell you why MIL is a laugh-riot today.

Because the coat doesn't fit me, Jeremy said he'd give it to his mother. Actually, he's quite the comedian too now isn't he? Can you picture MIL in this? If you've forgotten what MIL looks like, here's a refresher:

Incidentally, I couldn't resist using this photo of my in-laws from when I first visited China before moving here in late 2010. They look the same but our apartment does not (thank God!). This is before we moved into our home.

So of course, imagine MIL trying to wear a coat for a young woman. And imagine even more her being able to fit into it. While she doesn't have a giant-boob problem, she is a boxy-shaped woman and there's no way her man-frame would ever fit into that coat. Are you laughing yet? Because that's what I was doing when my husband suggested this. Hard. It brought tears to my eyes.

But give it to her he did, reasoning that perhaps she'd know someone she could give it to. He gave it to her last week but I noticed she left it in Raelynn's room. Perhaps she'd forgotten it. I mean she's not the sharpest tool in the shed now is she? Today when she came, I'd moved the bag with the coat in it out into the living room so she would remember to take it with her. And as I watched TV, I saw her take the bag and put it back in Raelynn's room. So I tell her not to do that and to please take the coat with her later when she leaves. And she says why should she take it? AND WAIT...this is where it gets goooooooooooood...

She says Raelynn can wear that coat and we should save it for her.

Please. Let that just absorb for a moment, won't you? Raelynn is almost 3 1/2 now. This coat is for an adult woman. Yes, that's brilliant! Let's save a coat for her for 15 years. I'm sure it will be fashionable then. Why, that makes PERFECT sense to hold onto clothing for nearly 2 decades! See? She's fucking hilarious today.

So I tell her that's nice but we'll be moving to America at some point and I'm not waiting until she grows into a coat. Should I ship that thing over to America? When she goes off to college, I can bust it out. Hell, when she's worn it to shreds, Seoul can wear it too.

She says she'll take the coat and keep it at her house for Raelynn when she's bigger. Yeah, you'll be holding onto that coat for a loooooooooooooong time, lady. Of course, she loves to dress Raelynn in things that are about 5 sizes too large so I'm sure she'll whip it out next winter. At least it's not ugly though which is more than I can say about the shit she usually picks out. It's SUCH an old Chinese lady thing to do - buy things way too big so you can grow into them. Never mind that they will look worn or most likely be tattered by the time it IS an appropriate size. Squirreling away things like a crazed hoarder is the Chinese MIL way!