Wednesday, January 4, 2012

UCO - Unidentified Clothing Object

Yesterday when my friend Frances came over, I'd shown her the newest of vomitous apparel offerings from my in-laws. Whenever MIL gives us things like this for the baby, I discretely take those items and stuff them into one of our very large suitcases. But because she just gave us these items, I can't bury them just yet. Raelynn will unfortunately have to make an appearance or two at her doltish grandparents' home donning these heinous things.

After Frances left though, I realized that any awful things I may have missed prior to this, or that were found in my previous hiding place, could easily be forgotten about now and hence shoved away into utter darkness where they belong. I went through Raelynn's closet once more. I sorted her blankets and bibs too. And that is where I found the UCO. The Unidentified Clothing Object.

Take a look:
I have absolutely no earthly clue as to what these things are. I myself had forgotten about them so I know she has too since she forgets to use soap 5 minutes after you tell her to wash her hands with it. She had brought these for the baby while I was still pregnant so whatever these identically wacky-looking things are have been here this whole time. I'm happy I found them again first so I could personally ensure they go into the vortex of ugly things from Grandma. But before they did, I HAD TO put them on here. Because I need help identifying them. I know I'm a new mommy but I have never seen something like this before. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!? My first thought was that it was some horribly complicated summer outfit.  Like one piece is the front and the other is the back. They love to use pants with open crotches here because from what I can ascertain, they do not want to spend the negligible amount of money it costs to buy diapers.

But then again, Chinese people LOVE to overbundle a baby. The mercury could be shooting out the top of the thermometer and you will see people wrapping their babies in heavy blankets and winter coats and hats. When they see the likes of me, they come over complaining that my baby isn't dressed warmly enough. It takes all my energy to resist the urge to throw one swift chop to the throat. It's funnier when Lane tells them their babies are overheated. The look on their faces is priceless. Anyway, I am second-guessing my initial theory because it wouldn't cover enough of the baby.

So maybe...these are some demented bibs?!? Has anyone ever seen anything like this? I also love that it says "Sland Map" in English on there. I couldn't tell you what the Chinese says but if I had to guess, perhaps it is the name of that sheep-like character on the front who is apparently all hopped up on mushrooms. But how could these be bibs? They are so overly complicated. If you're going to go to that much trouble to protect your baby's clothing from milk or mushed up bananas, why not just put down a fucking tarp? It's hard enough getting the standard type of bib secured around my baby's neck when I'm introducing her to some solid cuisine. She wriggles, wiggles and squirms around. I thank God I've only got to secure it around her neck. Seems simple enough but my little angel is a master at even more quickly removing it. Dressing her each day is like wrestling with a tank full of live octopi. Ditto for diaper changes. So if this thing is a bib, it is truly the stupidest design I've ever seen.

And now, I ask you. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING??? Any ideas? Please, if you think you have it figured out, I would love to hear it. It does not mean I will use this thing...except perhaps a gag for MIL the next time she starts singing.

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